Saturday, September 15, 2007

Saturday

Today was a great day. College football wasn’t so great, but the day itself seemed almost perfect. I spent time with Nathan and Marianna, both sets of family, and some of our closest friends. Poppy moved and kicked all day long and reminded me that she is still strong, and the weather was the best we’ve had in probably four months. I felt so alive and so completely at peace with life. I am grateful for days like this because I know they will not always seem so idyllic, so I want to just take it and enjoy it for the gift it is.

The strange thing about today is that I never once felt like I forgot about everything that is going on or that I had switched over to denial mode. Rather, I felt that there was something about my new understanding of sorrow (not just my own, but on a universal level as well) that made a day like today seem all the richer. It’s like even the small things (a visit to Starbucks, Saturday mornings in bed with Nathan and Marianna, and watching football) are more enjoyable than they have ever been before simply because I don’t take them for granted as much as I used to. I know now in my heart and not just my head that life is filled with terrible hurts and unavoidable difficulties, but at the same time, I know that life is also filled with beauty and love and fun. Sometimes there is no overlap between the two and life seems filled with one or the other. But, I think far more often life will be filled with moments like today, where the two extremes crossover and intermingle and become so interwoven that they are hard to separate.

My life is so full, and the news about Poppy has not detracted from that. Rather, it has opened me up in a new way. I know God did not send her to us to teach me lessons (I feel that would be a rather self-consumed to assume that God would create a life simply to “teach” me anything) but at the same time, I would be a fool to remain unchanged. It seems paradoxical, but I feel with all my heart that I hate what is happening with everything in me, and at the same time I am so grateful for it because I am seeing myself, my priorities, and my world in a new light. I know there is a personal depth that can be born only from sorrow, and it is something I feel I will never regret. I am also thankful that God has allowed me a part in something that will inevitably bring Him glory. In it’s own strange way, I know it is a privilege.

So, today was nothing out of the ordinary, but it was certainly special. Life isn’t a bed of roses or a box of chocolate, but it is good. The hard part is still to come, but I don’t think that it’s right to let the shadow of the future dim the brightness of today. I am so grateful for each one of you who have somehow come to read this page and have felt led to pray for us. I want you to know that tonight I am praying for you and asking that God bless your life in a new and fresh way. I know He will indeed bless you for the blessing you have already been to Nathan, Marianna, Poppy, and me. Good Night!

10 comments:

Stephanie said...

Thanks for the reminder about how beautiful this life really is. Sometimes I get bogged down in my everyday frustrations and annoyances and forget to raise my head and look around, or look up. May God give you this peace every day, all over again.

Jana said...

Angie, what a great message! yesterday was a great day for us, too! We loved watching college Game Day on ESPN and enjoyed taking the girls to the park - the weather was beautiful here!

but yesterday morning, I spent a good deal of time reading through your blog - as I do frequently - and reading new responses by your readers and then going to their blogs to also read what others are going through. I actually called you guys yesterday morning - didn't get in touch - to thank you for being so open and honest w/ your words and for leading me to pray for many other families, who (or whom?) I have never met, but who have touched me through their own words.

I have truly been comforted over the past weeks by the power of prayer. and so yesterday, though my day started w/ tears, it ended in happiness - in a way, just like yours. though the hurt never left, I felt a sense of peace. God is good.

Laurie said...

I too, am blessed as I read your entries. I wish for you to have many many more days like you had yesterday. Poppys moving and kicking all day long made my heart smile. What a wonder she is, being formed by God. I think it pleases Him that you are able to enjoy life right now as He keeps His eye on Poppy Joy. "Not letting the shadow of the future dim the brightness of the day," what a blessing to feel this way. Your open heart and the changes taking place are a miracle taking place right now for you. Hating what is happening and gratitude for wisdom, well that is evidence of God holding your heart.
My prayers will continue daily as I check in on you and look forward to the miracle of Poppy Joys birth.
Love, Laurie in Ca.

Elizabeth S said...

I am blown away by your words today. God is not only using this situation to teach you things, but he is using you to teach things to me, whom you don't even know! He is amazing. I will continue to pray for you as you go through this situation that I can't even imagine. I only hope that in the future, I can face trials that come my way with the strength and faith that you have shown me. Elizabeth in Murfreesboro, TN

Boothe Farley said...

sweet nathan and angie...
i wondered how you were doing tonight... it's so encouraging to see the Lord blessing you with beautiful days, just as we were given so frequently along this stretch of road. we are still experiencing them... and i pray we will continue to. just know that even as i go into the hospital tuesday, i will think of you... i pray He will give you strength and joy and an ability to just relax where you are for right now. i do know Jesus can carry you through this.
we love you both so much...

conor, boothe, sellers and copeland

jeweljannie said...

Dear Angel,
I praise God for you every day, . I am so grateful to see God walk you and Nathan through this dark valley with " Joy thru your teardrops."
Yes, there will be good along the way mixed with the bad. I am so glad that God has enabled you to not miss out on the good.
Do you remember watching the Court Jester with Papa and Grammy? During unbearable sorrow, there we all were laughing so hard that it almost hurt.
Now I understand even more a little bit of what Papa and Grammy felt for us when we went thru our time of crisis. It hurts like crazy to see your child go thru such suffering and to be helpless to do anything to stop it. Yet, I know that it gave our Papa and Grammy much joy to see us laughing and still enjoying life.
It brings my heart great joy to know that you are going to be okay,to see you trusting God, to know that you're hurting like crazy yet still holding on to HIm with Bulldog like tenacity.
Even more comforting is to know that God is holding on to you and Nathan and Poppy Joy and sweet Marianna with His Bulldog grip, and He can never let you go. Love, Mom

Adam & Amy Wilson said...

Angie, what a beautiful post! I've been so blessed as I've read each thought you and Nathan have shared with us, but have never responded-- finding myself short of words but deep with emotions. I can't go without saying that this message was so exhorting and inspiring! I'm so proud of you and Nathan- so honored to know you. You spoke Truth amist your honest humanity and that is always such a beautiful revelation of God's work in our lives. Poppy is such a gift- "a privilege"- which I know you and Nathan grasp more than any of us. Thank you for your example- Praise to our sweet, Sovereign Savior for His faithfulness in your lives! For He alone is capable of giving us "Saturdays".

Livona said...

Angie-You and Nathan continue to teach me so much through these blogs. Even us old people never stop growing. We all need these reminders from time to time. God is using you & your situation to encourage others. He will have the glory throughout Poppy's life! You & Nathan are amazing young people & I feel so blessed to know you & be able to read these blogs & walk through this journey with you. What an honor it is as well to pray for you & your family everyday. Let us never forget to treasure each & everyday that God gives us & use it to bring honor & glory to Him. We love you, Livona

jtcosby said...

Thank you for reminding me to stop and love on my family. I have had one of those evenings when I yelled at the kids to JUST GO TO BED...we fight every night with bedtime. Thank you for reminding me to be thankful I am able to argue with them to go to bed. You are amazing and God is teaching all of us through you...I pray Poppy feels your love for her as I know she does.

Lavonda said...

Angie,I am blown away at your desire to bring God Glory during this season of your life. I can see your Grandfather's influence all over your life. He was so precious. You are missed more at TRA than you will ever know,but we are thankful you can be at home. We love you and your family and are praying for you all! The girls are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!
Lavonda Edwards