Wednesday, May 28, 2008

the latest

There are times when I wish I could subscribe to the “risk-free” version of life. The place where everything is safe, where fear can’t nag, and where things fall in place exactly as I expected. It might not always be the best for character building, but it sure is comfortable!

Honestly, I was hoping to live in the risk-free zone in regards to this adoption. I knew it was possible that we could experience something that wasn’t clean cut, but I was hoping we wouldn’t. I was comfortable where I was—comfortable with my recent spiritual stretching, and not all that interested in being stretched to new lengths.

But while comfortable is a cushy place to be, it lacks any kind of permanence. It seems that just when I start to feel comfortable, the door is thrown open for God to come in and allow circumstances to change until I get uncomfortable enough to turn my focus completely, totally, and unwaveringly back to Him. In other words, it seems my comfort level is not always God’s priority for my life. Growing my faith is.

Right now we find ourselves in a position where risk is a very real element in pursuing this adoption. Moving forward means making ourselves vulnerable to hurt, and that scares me. In fact, there were several moments today where fear was right there with me, gripping my heart, stealing the joy and excitement I so desperately wanted to be feeling. I was digging in, trying so hard to avoid the chance of pain that I wasn’t asking God what it was that He wanted for me. Fear seems to cloud perspective faster than anything else. But gently God reminded me that He is bigger than my fear. He has a plan, even though it’s not the plan I had for myself.

For now, all I know is that tomorrow we will take Adrienne home with us. I trust God to take care of all the details that follow. I am excited because I believe that this is the little girl God has brought into our lives—the one we have prayed for and the one who has already taken part of our hearts. Loving can be dangerous, but as my mom reminded me yesterday of a quote from Hinds Feet, "to love is so lovely." I’m thankful that God is giving us this chance to take her home and love her. I read something from a book my grandmother brought by today. It says, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.” I believe this. I believe that even though this place is outside of my realm of safety, God will keep me safe.

I am praying for God to give us joy and excitement tomorrow when we go to pick Adrienne up. I pray that He will teach us to lean totally on Him. I also pray for Adrienne’s birth mom. I don’t know her, but I love her through faith and I pray that God will meet her where and when she needs Him most.

31 comments:

tn_lizzie2000 said...

Angie,
You are so sweet to teach us what God is teaching you through this!

I will pray for y'all tonight and tomorrow. Who gets to hold her first? :o)

Judy said...

I will be praying for you and your family tomorrow. We are on our 3rd child that we are adopting (she makes number 5 altogether). She has been with us for 11 months now. The adoption isn't final yet (we do it through the state department of social services. She had to live with us for so much time before we could apply for the adoption). I don't know the circumstances that surround you but just know that God is there and don't let anything take away the joy of bringing her home. Let this be a special time. If I could give one more bit of advice : )
Our daughter was 6 months old when we brought her home. For MONTHS I only allowed my husband or myself to feed her her bottle. I felt it was important for her to be close to only us during that time as a bonding time. My mother confirmed it when she told me that God had told her for me to hold her close during that time and have her hear my heartbeat. The closeness I feel with the child is unbelievable. This is your time with this child...don't feel guilty about it.
If you ever needed someone to talk to that has gone through something similar feel free to stop by my blog and I will email you.

DavitaJo said...

I've been reading your blog since the beginning. And I have the greatest respect for you and your famliy. I want you to know that I pray for you daily...and tomorrow I will specifically be praying that you are able to embrace tomorrow with a spirit of pure joy. May the fear that you have every right to feel be completely eclipsed by the joy you will feel as you bring your daughter into your home for the first time. I know that adoption can be a fragile process...and I pray that each step of this journey is divinely orchestrated in a way that will make it obvious to those who witness this miracle that it was ordained by God. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

TNKerry said...

I am not sure what all this means, but I pray that your Adrienne will be a new member of your family very soon and that you will feel peace, love, and happiness tomorrow. Adoption is so tough - on everyone.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you all Angie.

lelesgirl1962 said...

Embrace the joy of welcoming Adrienne into your home and hearts.

Can't wait to meet her and see the excitement on the faces of you, Nathan and Marianna.

Love,
Miss Lisa

Mary Lou said...

Angie, praying for you, that He will meet you each step of the way and that you will feel His hand holding yours and His arms around you each moment. Keep looking to Him as you have been and He won't fail you. He is the only one we can trust to never,never fail us. I know you know that but it's always nice to be reminded. i have to remind myself of that all the time.

Cathy said...

Angie, Just wanted to let you know that we are covering you and your family in prayer. Also, since I am personally involved in adoption (6 times) and then the owners of an adoption Agency if you need to talk just email. I know you will be busy. Also all laws are different in each state. Praying, Praying and more praying. God Bless this lucky family and lucky little angel!
Cathy & Annabel

Laurie said...

Sweet Angie and Nathan,

Thank you so much for your open heart here, and know that I will be praying for your peace and joy as you bring this little blessing home today. My faith and trust is growing as I walk along side of you and I wish I could tell you that I have answers, but I don't. So we will trust together that God's plan is perfect here and ask Him to remove all fear, anxiety and doubts so that Adrienne only feels love and security in your arms. I love you guys and I am here for you always. Be Blessed today as you bring another piece of heaven into your hearts and home.

Love and HOPE, Laurie in Ca.

Jen in Al said...

How wonderful!!!!! praying for you and all the details, jen in al

Rebecca said...

Angie, I was thinking of you and your family all day yesterday (Wednesday), wondering how you were doing and what was going on.

I'll be praying today.

I hope everything goes well.

Love that baby. Hurt may come, but love is what that baby needs. And it's what you need, too. :)

boltefamily said...

I am so excited for your family! I cannot imagine how hard it must be to let your guard down, but you know God has this! He is the master of this plan. We will be praying for your amazing family all day and for the birth family of sweet Adrienne.

Much Love,
kristy

Betsy said...

Wonderful news! I to deal with fear of the unknown. I love your grandmother's quote about taking God's hand in the darkness. We all need more courage to enjoy the things we have NOW! Thank you so much for letting God speak through you on this blog.
God Bless!

Just Me said...

Thank you for continuing to share your story. So happy to read that you will be able to bring Adrienne home today.

I love the quotes from you mom and grandmother.

Take care,
Amanda

Pam said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Angie.

Praying for you today as Adrienne comes home.

Anonymous said...

Dear Angie,
Our loving, couragous, beautiful birth mother did not want to hold or see the baby once she was born. She allowed us to be with our precious angel from the moment they rolled her into the nursery, and I even roomed in with my little Lovebug at the hospital.

But for that whole 48 hours before our birth mother signed over her rights, I was immersed in joy and love wrapped in a layer of fear - fear that she would change her mind once I already had my little angel imprinted on my heart.

I had to adopt the perspective that God needed me to care for this little angel. He either needed me to be a safe loving harbor for this precious being until her birth mother decided that she could not give her up, or until she because ours legally. I LOVED my baby with all my heart, but for that 48 hour time period kept in my mind that she belonged to God first, and to do a service for Him by caring for her - be it for 48 hours or forever - was the least I could do as He had already blessed me with two other beautful children and with the gift of knowing I will spend eternity in Heaven with them when the sad time comes that we must part on Earth.

That being said, God gave you a warrior's heart - the heart of a mother. What else can you feel except fear at the thought of your baby not being with you permanently? Your gift is your fierce love for your children, don't consider it a failing that fear is a byproduct of this intense love when permanency is threatened.

As you did with beautiful Poppy, immerse yourself in the joy of the moment, and try to keep the fear and anxiety in a little box in a very remote corner of your heart.

I see that Cathy and Annabel are praying for you as well. Cathy is the most extraordinary person to talk to about these issues. Feel free to take her up on her offer - she has wonderful insight from both a professional and personal perspective!

Love from Texas!!

Anonymous said...

Angie -
I love your heart. Thanks so much for keeping us updated and for sharing so openly. Your struggles and stretching have in turn brought me closer to our God. Praying for a wonderful day when you bring that sweet little girl home.
Jill in Ohio
www.totsites.com/tot/ellaeliz

Candi said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I completely agree with your thoughts on how God will take us out of our comfort zone so that He can show us his plan. He reminds us constantly that our plan for ourselves is not His plan for us and we need to have faith. Your faith is inspiring. I can't wait to see pictures of your new addition!

Love,
Candi

KM said...

An anonymous poster from Texas posted comments right out of my mouth.

While every adoption situation is different, most of us who have adopted can tell you it is scary. I ditto the above poster about mothering the child. In our situation, the bmother knew she would be signing away rights...however, we had to publish an ad for the bfather. Every time the phone rang...I would pause.

I had to consistently remind myself that a: this adoption has been prayed over by a multitude since the thought became a reality; b: My Jesus knows His plan...and will love me, guide me, and get me through whatever happens on this earth; c: this beautiful child needs to be loved. The first months are so important. I also always told myself I will never be angry with a parent that chooses to parent. No matter the situation--disappointed...why sure, when your heart aches for the child you are to call yours.

Again, I don't know the specifics...and they aren't my business unless you are ready to share. I will continue to pray that His hand cover this situation...and blessings and peace to your family!

Kristi in Texas

The Lenda's said...

Praying that you experience joy and peace today as you hold your new baby in your arms. Praying for God to help the rest of the process move along smoothly and quickly so you are able to love her fully without fear of losing her. Praying also for sweet Marianna that she adjusts well to her role as big sister again.
Hugs and Congratulations
Rachel in PA

Kenzie said...

Angie-

Girl, love you so much and praying over this whole situation. The Lord has known about this for so long... He has known about Poppy, about y'all, about Adrienne, about each little detail. I pray that today will be joy-filled as you love this precious little girl with all of your heart (and Nathan's too!) I know that Marianna can't wait to have her little sister home.

Love lots & Praying,
Kenzie

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Dear Angie,
We are covering you in prayer. I am praying for God to work out all the details and to take all the worry and hesitation to love right out of your hearts. I know as soon as you see your little girl, it will all be okay. I can't tell you how my spirit dances with the thought of you guys bringing Adrienne home today, I can imagine the joy and excitement and sweet Marianna's face when she is looking at her new sister. You know you are so prayed for so just let the peace and joy set in. This is taken from the clip of verses you sent me that is beside me most of the time......Psalms 94:19 - When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul.....
I love you friend.
Kim

Anonymous said...

Angie, fear not God is in complete control,praying for you all now and tomorrow.Love in Christ a friend!

KrazyMom said...

Adoption can be so overwhelmingly scary, yet so rewarding! I know you are out of your comfort zone until things are concrete with the adoption, so for now take each day minute by minute and remember that He is in control, worrying cannot change His plan.

You are such a wonderful family! Praying for you all tonight.

jenb said...

We are praying for you all during this time, especially today!!!
The Brownlees

Katelyn said...

Angie,
You have been in my thoughts for the past two days. I pray that you have peace and that He will be over your family the next few days.

Cathy said...

Just checking in on you, Angie and your precious family. Know you are in our heart for peace and comfort. Cathy & Annabel

Laurie said...

Angie,

Praying here that the love is flowing all over your home this weekend with little Miss Adrienne. I can only imagine the joy in your home right now and pray it overflows. Miss Marianna must be so excited to have another baby sister. And I know that Poppy Joy is happy for all of you. Be blessed today.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

tn_lizzie2000 said...

Hey, Angie?

Is there something we should be praying about?

sarahdodson said...

I'm really enjoying your story; thank you so much for sharing it.

I thought this was a neat quote:
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
~Corrie Ten Boom

laura said...

Angie,

We are praying for you in whatever is happening!