Sunday, May 11, 2008

Being a mom

Mother’s Day started early for me this year; Marianna woke up at 2:45 and I haven’t been back to sleep yet. For the second time in her life, absolutely nothing I could do helped her to settle down. Nathan even put a movie on in hopes that she would drift off once it started, but an hour later she was in our room, more upset than ever.

I admit that by the time 5:00 am rolled around and I was still awake with her, I wasn’t happy. I had anticipated that today might be hard, but I hadn't considered that the hard part would come in the form of Marianna in full blown hysterics. I asked her if she realized today was Mother’s Day and she was supposed to be nice to me. She responded with more tears. I would say that in my 2 ½ years of being a mom, I have not been as frustrated as I was between 4:58 to 5:03 this morning. I’m serious. I knew she was being irrational, and I thought it ironic that today of all days, when we can’t sleep in and she can’t take an early nap, and when I'm facing the first mother's day since Poppy, she chose to have a melt down.

I had already thrown down the gauntlet and told her she couldn’t sleep in bed with us, and when she refused to sleep on the floor, I was at the end of my frazzled rope. Thankfully, at that moment Nathan intervened and went to sleep in her tiny twin bed with her. They are still asleep as I type.

As soon as I walked out of Marianna’s room, listening to her deep breaths as she snuggled next to Nathan, trying to recover from the hysteria, my frustration evaporated. I was instantly humbled as I thought about the gift she is. The gift that being a mom is. I love her so much I don’t know how to put it into words.

I knew there was no chance of sleep after all of that, so I stayed up thinking. Mother’s Day is a day that means a lot of things to a lot of people. To some, it’s a day of appreciation and fun as they get to relax and enjoy time with family. To some, it’s a reminder of what has been lost. And still to others, it’s a painful symbol of what has never been, despite the longing in their hearts.

This morning I took being a mom for granted. I lost sight of the fact that it is the greatest privilege God has ever, and will ever give me. That wake up call is probably what I needed more than anything else today. I will never understand why God allows moms to hurt so much when their children are sick, when their children die, or when they long to have children and can’t, but I understand that the source of great pain is also the source of indescribable joy. Yes, opening your heart as a mom can be something that hurts more than anything else, yet God has chosen to give us children as His ultimate blessing. I am so grateful for that!

On this Mother’s Day, I want to praise God for the blessing He has poured out in my life through Marianna and Poppy, and I thank Him in advance the other child He will bring into our lives in a way that has not yet been revealed. I also want to ask you to join with me today in praying for those in your life who want to be a mom, and have not yet had the chance. Pray that God will pour out His blessing of children through conception, adoption, or any other way He chooses.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone I have met on this journey. I pray God blesses you richly today!

16 comments:

L&DRNKY said...

How beautiful a post. Happy mother's day.

Laurie said...

Happy Mother's Day to you Angie. This is what it is all about:) It is a blessed journey of opening up the heart for whatever comes, and it IS humbling at times. One of my twin sons called this morning to wish me a happy day, and then reminded me that he will be an old man tomorrow as he and his brother turn 37. The call was as sweet as the cards with the "stick figure" families they gave me so many years ago, but loaded with so many memories of life. It goes by fast and furiously, but is the best blessing in the world to realize I am still here:) I am thinking of Poppy Joy today too and thanking God for her life that still teaches me. Praying for the baby that He is going to bring to you soon, and for you to have a most wonderful day. I love you Angie and I love your heart.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

julie said...

what a great reminder! you are a great mom, marianna and poppy are lucky to have you! happy mothers day! love you!

Laurin said...

Happy Mother's Day, sweet Angie! Very sweet and encouraging post on this special day!

Jessica said...

prayers for you on mother's day.

boltefamily said...

Happy Mother's Day to you Angie! I have been thinking of you as I have celebrated this day with lots of joy and tears as well!

Much Love,
Kristy

Chrissy said...

Happy Mother's Day Angie...you are a precious Mother of TWO!

Just Me said...

Happy Mother's Day! Praying for you and all the mom's who have children in Heaven. Hope you were able to take a nap (I LOVE naps!) :o)
Take care,
Amanda

Jen in Al said...

i thank God every day that He brought me to your site and blessed me with knowing your journey! marianna and Poppy are so blessed to have you as their Mommy!!!! i hope the rest of your day was restful and joy filled.:) thank you for continuing to share your journey. continuing to pray...jen in al

Adam & Amy Wilson said...

You were in many of my thoughts yesterday, Angie...it's amazing how self-less you can be. All three of your babies are so blessed to call you mother. I can't wait to see who else is on the horizon.
I Samuel 2: 21

Brandi said...

Happy Mother's Day, Angie. I'm sorry you got such an early start to the day, but I'm glad for the lesson you learned and shared here. I hope it turned out to be a wonderful day.

Kenzie said...

Angie-

Love you so much and I am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for the precious example you are as a faithful child of the Lord. You are such a wonderful mother and you continue to display such beauty and grace to all of those around you!

Thank you for being you!
Love,
Kenzie

Anonymous said...

Thank you for having the courage to post the truth - that although being a Mommy is God's biggest blessing, it takes a WARRIOR'S heart to do the job right :)! And you definitely have that! I am proud to be a mother alongside you, and want you to know that the way in which you and your husband have navigated life's journey is incredibly beautiful and inspirational. My husband and I have been blessed with three INCREDIBLE children, two biological, and one adopted. We have learned that it takes two cells to make a baby, but only love makes a parent! We are praying for you, and that you find the little one that God intends to bring to you through adoption very, very soon!
The Bond Family

Cathy said...

Angie,
You are in our thoughts and prayers on this Blessed Day!
Happy Mother's Day to your family.
CAthy & Annabel

Anonymous said...

Angie thanks for remembering all on Mother's day even if it's from a church nursery too! Had a great day too! Brenda from Brookhaven

Jenn said...

Angie... I read this as I've been following a trail of blogs, that started with a little girl I "know" from a support forum. I've been there for the last two years. I watched Poppy's video... and it answered a question that's been lingering for almost that long. Our close friends at the time gave birth to a little girl. They found out two hours later that she had Trisomy 13, and wouldn't live. THey had two days with her, and described the time as beautiful and happy. I didn't understand their words... but I can understand your face in that video. Thank you for sharing what may be the most intimate, life-changing moments in your life.
And God bless you this Mothers Day.