Sunday, June 1, 2008
I'm sitting in my living room with Adrienne sleeping peacefully a few feet away in her swing. It's a little amazing to me that she can be sleeping at all, because I realized shortly after putting her in that the swing has acquired a squeak in the months it has lay dormant in the attic. But even more amazing is the first part of what I wrote: I'm sitting in my living room with Adrienne. My third daughter.
It was six months ago today that Poppy was born, and six months ago that she went to heaven. Just six months! As I try to absorb everything, it's almost impossible. I think back to this time on December 1st, just a few hours after Poppy had left us, and I remember the loss and the grief and the joy. I couldn't think past the moment at the time, but had I been able to consider the future, I could not have fathomed where I find myself six months down the road. I would not have thought it possible that I would have a miracle child in my arms in less time than I would have been physically able to carry a baby. It absolutely blows my mind!
Thoughts and emotions are swirling around without a lot of definition when I try to take it all in. I know a big part of me feels unworthy. Not in the sense of parenthood in general, but in the sense of haven gotten chosen when there are so many other wonderful families out there waiting on a baby. Part of me is in total amazement that in two weeks my life has been turned upside down in a very good way. Some of my thoughts and feelings are focused on the future, as I consider the lack of finality our placement has. Parts of me are bewildered that I could forget so much about what it is like to hold a tiny baby in my arms and care for one so small and helpless. Much of me is tied up in the pure joy of watching Marianna and Adrienne together, hearing Marianna talk about her sister and tell Adrienne when she cries "It's okay, your sister is here" even though the crying is often a direct response to some of her affectionate, but not always infant appropriate, loving. And then more than all the others is the intense feeling of gratitude. Gratitude to the birth mother who chose to carry this precious life and then entrust her to me, and then gratitude to God who has overwhelmed us with His love, His provision, and His blessings.
As I look back over the past six months, I'm reminded that life has twists and turns, ups and downs, the expected and the unexpected. It is filled with every emotion under the sun, and everything has its season. Right now I am soaking this season up, living in the goodness of what God has given me in Adrienne Christine.
Now for the nitty gritty. Adrienne has been fantastic. She cries because she is most certainly a baby, but the great majority of the time she has been on her best behavior-especially at night time! Let's just say that she hasn't cried once during our three nights with her. I wake her to give her some food, but other than that, she's down and out for 10 hours. I didn't know that kind of thing was even possible =). But in the good moments and the bad, we are simply enjoying every bit of it.
I wish I could post a picture of this beautiful little baby girl, but until some loose ends are tied up that isn't possible. But believe me, I can't wait to share her with you! Please be praying for the day that you see a post with her sweet face because when you do, that means we've had very good news and the adoption will be finalized! Because of that, I'll just leave you with the picture of us right before meeting Adrienne for the first time.
I love you all, and I am so grateful for your faithfulness to me and my family!