Monday, March 24, 2008

beautiful days

Today I was on the phone, sitting in the hospital parking lot, trying to find out a room number so I could go in and see some friends and their new baby boy. I was doing okay until I heard the words "delivery room 4." As those seemingly innocuous words were spoken, I froze. I had realized I was going back to the hospital Poppy was born at for the first time. I had also anticipated a flood of memories would accompany the trip. So I had already prepared myself for the things I expected: a familiar parking lot, a familiar recovery room, etc. But the second I found out my friend had not yet been moved from the delivery room, I knew I wasn't prepared for that. I have no idea if it was delivery room 4 that Poppy lived out nearly her entire life here on this earth, but I knew whether that was the room or not, I wasn't ready to go back. At least not in this setting. I wanted to express joy for this baby--not retrace those footsteps we walked nearly four months ago as Nathan and I set out in the middle of the night on December 1st.

My heart raced. I didn't want to drive off, but I didn't want to go in. Without giving myself long to mull it over, I looked up and prayed. Thinking back, I can't remember using words, but I know God knew my heart. When I walked in the door, I discovered that at just that moment, my friend was being switched to a normal room: God had provided a "ram in the thicket."

The visit was great. I can honestly say that seeing new life brings me joy, not pain. And the baby was beautiful, healthy and perfect. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took Marianna. She remembered things that I wouldn't have thought--she recognized the hospital, the rooms, the gift shop--but all of this only served to cement in my brain that the day Poppy was born was special to her. With the help of pictures and video, she may even remember some of it. That makes me happy.

I drove home, walking through in my mind the familiar rooms that served as the back drop for our time with Poppy. It was a drive I needed. My way home happens to pass by the cemetery where Poppy and Papa are, and I found myself turning in before I hardly realized what I was doing. I haven't been by myself before, not because I'm scared of what I might feel, but because her marker still isn't in place, and the only thing that defines the spot is a newly laid piece of sod. But today I felt like I wanted to go anyway. The day was beautiful, and I have a thing about only going to the cemetery on perfect days. I guess I feel like it gives me just a glimpse of what Papa and Poppy are experiencing in heaven. Marianna was asleep, so I left the car running and spent time at both spots. It was good to be there, to feel the tears run down without the terrible stab in my heart. I looked up at the sky and said out loud "I trust you." He has proved Himself more than worthy of that trust.

18 comments:

Linda said...

This brought tears to my eyes. Your faith is amazing and such a testimony for others. I keep reading your blog in anticipation of the day of your adoption. I'm looking forward to reading all about it. God bless you and your family!

Jana said...

what a beautiful post, Angie. I think back on Dec 1 and don't know if I could feel joy being in that hospital again. you remind me, though, that true joy comes from the Lord and not from things in or of this world.

Laurie said...

It sure sounds like a beautiful Monday as I read your post. Jesus sure has a wonderful way of bringing us back to the "scene of the event" and bring us through, doesn't He? It is not without struggle, pain and tears, but the other side sure shows His love for you. And Marianna's memories are so innocent and sweet. She will learn so much more about Poppy as she grows and you tell her about her baby sister. And of course, there will be the most wonderful book being written that she will be able to read. I love your heart Angie, it is so real and open and it makes me want to be like you:)
I love you and am praying for the baby He has hand-picked just for your family. I am excited for you.

Love and Huge Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

t.newb said...

ang, i love you! your writing is beautiful.

t.newb said...

ps. that was les

Anonymous said...

Angie your blog brought tears to my eyes today. How I love continuing to read this & what a blessing it & Poppy still are to me. I continue to pray for all of you & the adoption process. I definetly want an autographed copy of your book when it's published. Much love, Livona

Brandi said...

Bless you, Angie.

Melody said...

Angie, I know that a lot of people would not be able to return to the same hospital, to rejoice at the life of another baby so soon. I think the fact that it was difficult and yet still joyful for you, is a sure sign of your faith and hope in Jesus, as well as proof that God is working His healing in your life. What a testimony to His faithfulness in your life! Like you stated to Him in the cemetary, you CAN trust him!

Still praying for your sweet heart, and future adoption. :)

So Blessed said...

Your post today was so tender and sweet. While the soloist at our Easter service say "Jerusaleum" I, too, thought of heaven and what it must be like for my newphew(who left this world to go there just a few short months ago). I know it is amazing for your precious Poppy and Papa and all of our loved ones who are there experiencing the presence of our Resurrected Lord. I look forward to the day we are all there!

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Angie-

Praise the Lord! Prasie Him for all the wonderful things that He continues to do in your life! I am so proud of you for going in, for rejoicing for others, for KNOWING that Poppy is in a beautiful place... and I just love your heart! It is a picturesque scene in my mind... you visit Poppy and your grandfather. The Lord continues to work in you as you fully trust Him... and to say it outloud highlights all that you are!

I love you... praying!
Kenzie

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Angie,
Thanking the Lord for the provisions he makes in our lives to get through it. I love your thoughts, I love that you rejoiced for your friend and sought God for help when you didn't think you could go in and I love knowing that I can always come to Poppy's page and feel better. She continues to bless me through you. I know she and Mary Grace are singing beautiful songs together with our Savior and it makes happy tears for me too.
Love you friend,
Kim

Leanne said...

Okay, I've been a lurker on your site for some time now, and I've never left a comment, for one reason or another, but today I decided to leave a comment for you.

I can say with assurance that I know the path you walk today. I walked that same path almost 4 years ago when we had a stillborn baby girl who was born when I was 6 and a half months pregnant. Her name is Janie Rose, and when you described sitting in the hospital parking lot and the feelings that raced through your mind, I remember those same feelings as if they were yesterday. And when you drove by Poppy's place, it reminded me of Janie's place and the peace I feel there and how good it feels to let the tears flow, each time I go, without the anguish anymore.

I'm going through it again after having 2 miscarriages, one a very traumatic one, in the past 6 months.

I saw myself in your place when you looked up and said out loud, "I trust You."

You're such a testimony to God's faithfulness and His redeeming and restoring power. In your willingness to carry on, and your perseverance in trust, Poppy's life is not in vain.

Keep on trusting, and He will keep on weaving each new piece of the quilt that is your life.

Be at peace tonight.

Leanne in Longview

PS: If you want to read my story, you can check me out on Homeschoolblogger/stillgrowing. I can also be found on Blogspot at mysupplications. Take care!

Emily said...

Yep. It's pitiful, but that's all I can think of to say. He is worthy. It does sound like a beautiful day. I get it. And I'm blessed by your words again. :)

Amy@Life Breaths Photography said...

Angie, I can so relate. My friend had a baby last summer just a few months after I had my hysterectomy. I was so worried how I was going to react, honestly afraid I would have to leave because of a burst of tears. But once I was there (and hiding behind my camera for a while) and held the little guy, I, too, just enjoyed the moment of new life.

Clare Dungey said...

Angie

You are so hoenst and dignified with a great faith in our loving Lord and Father. I know your pain only too well and you're doing great!

Love Clare xx

L&DRNKY said...

Your strength is amazing. I feel sometimes my faith is so small even on my best days. You are such an inspiration to me and I pray every day to have an increased faith and awareness of what God wants to do with my life. Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

erin said...

i am glad you seem to be healing well. i cant imagine the loss you have experienced. thank you for continuing to include us on your journey and thanks for sharing how God really is in the smallest details :)

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Thinking of you today Angie and I just wanted you to know.
Praying still with love,
Kim