It has been just over 10 weeks since Nathan and I initially found out the news about Poppy. As with most things in life, the time has been short and long at the same time. When I consider how different my life is now, the passage of time seems quite vast because it feels like another lifetime when I didn't have the impending death of our little girl on my heart at all times. But, when I consider how God has carried us through so far, I am blown away by how quickly the weeks have ticked off. The time has been filled with so many wonderful, "normal," every day type things that have helped the time go by just as it does at any other time. However, now it has suddenly hit me that we have less time to go than we've had since the time we found out. Up to this point, I've been very concerned with not getting ahead of myself with any kind of planning, but over the past week I've felt a peace in my heart about beginning to consider all of the options that are ahead of us. We will probably begin pursuing information within the next couple of weeks, so I wanted to share with you what we are going to be looking into so that you can join with us in praying that God will give us wisdom in the choices we make.
The first thing that has to be tackled in the birth plan. This is basically a written out statement of our wishes regarding the care we want to be offered or not offered to Poppy. Things up for consideration would be whether to allow her oxygen, a feeding tube, NICU care, or any other kind of life-saving procedure. For babies without a chromosmal abnormality, these type questions would be non-issues. The care would be given without a second thought. However, when a baby has been diagnosed with a trisomy, the mentality drastically changes. I understand that there is no way to "fix" Poppy's condition. The things that are wrong with her are symptoms of the fact her whole system has too much information. Yet, at the same time we want to do everything we can to give her the best quality of life she can enjoy with her short time with us. We want to love her the best we possibly can, and I realize this means letting her go when Jesus calls without trying to extend her time with us unnaturally. But, even with this being said, there are so many "gray" areas to consider. We just want to make the right choice, but even having to consider these kind of choices seems surreal and unnatural. I can't believe we'll be making decisions that can possible effect how many days, hours, or minutes she has with us, so I ask that you pray with us that God will guide us and help direct us in the right choices through the wise counsel of those we talk to. This leads me to the next request, which is that God will allow us to speak with a neonatologist at the hospital where we will be delivering. I want to be able to be as well informed about the process we are going to be going through as we possibly can. I feel like the more we know ahead of time, the less we'll have to worry about those things when she arrives, and the more we will be able to just focus on her.
Another thing we will begin doing is dealing with arrangements for after she is gone. I hate this part, because I don't want to do anything that assumes the attitude of "she is going to die, and there is nothing God can do to intervene." I know in my heart that God can do absolutely anything. This includes healing her, extending her time with us for longer than the "expected" lifespan of a trisomy baby, or taking her home with Him shortly after she is born. My heart is full of hope. Hope that God will do exactly what He wants without being dictated in anyway by medical science. Yet, at the same time, I feel that there would be something very unwise to refuse to prepare. I feel like God has allowed us to know this diagnosis, and the wise thing to do seems to be to prepare. So, we will begin to plan out her memorial service and make arrangements with the funeral home. Please pray that God will prepares us for whatever emotions hit as we go through this process.
I was reading the other day that wisdom is seeing things from God's perspective instead of man's. This is what I want for us as we begin to consider the options. I don't want to do what is logical but what is wise. We covet your prayers!