I have found myself over the past few days feeling a new level of disconnect from what is going on than I have previously experienced. This is a facet of the Trisomy 18 journey that I am unprepared for because it is so unexpected. It just seems natural that the longer we live with it, the more it should sink in. The only problem is that the exact opposite is happening. It seems to me that Poppy's disease (Nathan looked it up, and it is in fact classified as a disease) is becoming more surreal than concrete. I can't explain it; it just seems to be the way it is.
I find that I am feeling so normal and that everything feels so much like my last pregnancy, that I am almost having to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this is not the case! I don't mean that I ever truly forget the reality, but it is certainly becoming easier to ignore it. This worries me because I feel like this is a sign that I am digressing instead of progressing toward being as prepared as we can possibly be when Poppy comes. It's shocking to me that right now, as we are looking at delivering in less than 6 weeks, I am feeling less emotionally connected to what is going on than ever before. It's almost like I am in a burn out stage. We have known that Poppy is sick for 13 weeks now, and I guess it's possible that I'm simply worn out with all of the emotions involved. I have been praying all along that God would give us strength and peace during this intermediate waiting period, and I know with all my heart that He has, but peace is something very different from disconnect. I want to feel calm but not numb!
As I sat down this morning to pray, I told God all of this, and then I asked that He would renew me spiritually and emotionally. I then picked up the Bible to the spot where Nathan had left it open on the coffee table, and I began reading out of Luke 10. In that chapter Jesus gives an illustration about a persistent man who keeps pounding on his neighbors door until the neighbor becomes so tired of the knocking that he gives him what he needs. This isn't where a passage I would normally think of as inspirational (it certainly doesn't have that "you shall renew your strength and rise up on wings as eagles" ring to it), but this morning it was exactly what I needed to hear! I think I have just become tired with the waiting, and as a result, I have let a numbness sink in. Instead, what I need to do is persistently and relentlessly take this to Jesus and ask Him to pour out his blessings, mercy, and wisdom on us right now. Poppy will be here so soon, and I want with everything in me to use the remaining weeks as best as I can.