Monday, October 29, 2007

A Break from Reality

I have found myself over the past few days feeling a new level of disconnect from what is going on than I have previously experienced. This is a facet of the Trisomy 18 journey that I am unprepared for because it is so unexpected. It just seems natural that the longer we live with it, the more it should sink in. The only problem is that the exact opposite is happening. It seems to me that Poppy's disease (Nathan looked it up, and it is in fact classified as a disease) is becoming more surreal than concrete. I can't explain it; it just seems to be the way it is.

I find that I am feeling so normal and that everything feels so much like my last pregnancy, that I am almost having to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this is not the case! I don't mean that I ever truly forget the reality, but it is certainly becoming easier to ignore it. This worries me because I feel like this is a sign that I am digressing instead of progressing toward being as prepared as we can possibly be when Poppy comes. It's shocking to me that right now, as we are looking at delivering in less than 6 weeks, I am feeling less emotionally connected to what is going on than ever before. It's almost like I am in a burn out stage. We have known that Poppy is sick for 13 weeks now, and I guess it's possible that I'm simply worn out with all of the emotions involved. I have been praying all along that God would give us strength and peace during this intermediate waiting period, and I know with all my heart that He has, but peace is something very different from disconnect. I want to feel calm but not numb!

As I sat down this morning to pray, I told God all of this, and then I asked that He would renew me spiritually and emotionally. I then picked up the Bible to the spot where Nathan had left it open on the coffee table, and I began reading out of Luke 10. In that chapter Jesus gives an illustration about a persistent man who keeps pounding on his neighbors door until the neighbor becomes so tired of the knocking that he gives him what he needs. This isn't where a passage I would normally think of as inspirational (it certainly doesn't have that "you shall renew your strength and rise up on wings as eagles" ring to it), but this morning it was exactly what I needed to hear! I think I have just become tired with the waiting, and as a result, I have let a numbness sink in. Instead, what I need to do is persistently and relentlessly take this to Jesus and ask Him to pour out his blessings, mercy, and wisdom on us right now. Poppy will be here so soon, and I want with everything in me to use the remaining weeks as best as I can.


Laurie said...

Hi Angie,
I will be praying for blessings, mercy and wisdom for you now and in the days ahead. This sure is an emotional road you have been on since knowing Poppy's condition and I am pretty sure you have not put it all out here. I'm praying for your next 6 weeks to be guided by Him to prepare you where you feel connected and calm. I have been checking in on Mandy, Emily, and Boothe and it is different for each one of you and it makes my heart ache that I cannot offer comfort to help. I pray for all of you girls to be held gently in His arms and know He is right there with you. You have my heart and my prayers.
Draw close to eachother as a family right now and let nothing get between you except the Lord. He knows the plan He has for you and He can be trusted.

Love You, Laurie in Ca.

Jena Baker said...

Praying for your next 6 weeks to be focused on Jesus and preparing to meet and enjoy Poppy.

Laurie B said...

I have been praying for your guys!


Adam & Amy Wilson said...

That's what we are here for too, Angie. It's a huge burden to bear and I think it only makes sense that we eventually have to disconnect in order to come up for air. Galatians 6:2- "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" I'm praying for you.

Mandy said...

Angie and Nathan,
I am praying for you and remember the feelings you describe. I found out at 16 weeks that Madeline had T18 so I had a long time to digest it. I suppose at the end, it can seem very unreal, especially when the pregnancy seems so "normal". I pray that emotionally you will be renewed and ready to experience all that the next few weeks will bring.


Anonymous said...

Hi, Angie:
I'm Deb in IN. I have been following your blog for several weeks now.
Having had a parent pass away 5 months ago, my experience with grief tells me that your system is just trying to recover from the reeling shock you experienced when you learned the sad news of Poppy's disease. Please don't put a "should" on yourself. But rather know that before you have need, the Lord will provide for you. I promise you He will be faithful, as that is His nature. And I testify He provided all I needed and more when sorrow visited me. I believe He will do the same for you. In the meantime, if your spirit and emotions need to heal and rest, then they may need to do so not only in recovery of the news but in preparation for what yet lies ahead. Rest, knowing you can trust the One who never does.

Anonymous said...

May the words of this old hymn comfort you...

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
all to Thee in earnest prayer.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Your family is in my prayers...

Aunt_Nette said...

I too have been lifting you up in prayers. I am a single female and I have never had any children. So I don't know all the emotions you have with that. However, this past February we lost my Granddaddy to Parkinson. In May my brother died in a car accident. Just nine days away from his 41st birthday. So I am with you as far as the grief is concern.
God will provide awesome people to take care of your needs later. Just remember to say thank you, alot. It becomes a blurr. We are so thankful for the many wonderful families from our church and my parents neighborhood. We recieved sympathy cards for about two months afterwards. After a while even they are tough to open.
But, just give us internetters a shout and we will jump onto our knees and pray for you and your family