Sunday, April 6, 2008

new possibilities

This has been a big week, filled with a lot of possibility, and even more questions. I spent most of my week thinking and praying, wanting so badly to know and not wonder. I've been waiting to write until I have something definite to say; but now, 6 days later, I am still squarely planted in the fluid realm of possibility. And that's really not a bad place to be. Sure, it is a place where nothing is certain, but it is also a place where hope is everywhere.

On Wednesday of last week I received a much anticipated letter in the mail: the official approval letter from our adoption agency letting us know that our home study is complete, and we are available to be chosen at any time. This made everything so real. We are no longer waiting for anything other than a baby! Wow. I'm not desperate for a baby--at least not in the sense that I've got to have one immediately to feel a void in my heart that is open and hurting--but I want one. To be more specific, I want the baby God has for us. That sounds easy enough. But is it?

Nathan and Marianna and I went to the pet store this weekend to get a few things for Chum and Marlee. Saturdays are big days for everyone to bring out their animals, and Marianna, big dog-lover that she is, loves to pet each one we pass. It is also evidently a day for doggie adoptions, as there were at least 12 animal crates lined up the center aisle way. First, let me start by saying, I DON'T want another dog. I wouldn't have wanted two if I had been far-sighted enough to see that Marianna would fill any need I had for taking care of things when she came along. But as I walked down the aisle and looked at each dog, my heart melted. Each animal had his or her story posted above the kennel, and each story was heart wrenching: one had been hit by a car and rescued, another abandoned when his family moved, and still another taken away from an abusive environment as a puppy. I could hardly take it. Even knowing that there was no way we could bring even one of them home, didn't stop me from wanting them all.

On a much deeper level, this is where I find myself with this adoption. Last week new possibilities were laid at our doorstep, but each one requires us to "choose." I didn't ever anticipate having to do that. I thought the mother would just choose me, and we would get the call telling us a baby was on the way. But what if God's plan is a little outside our comfort zone? What if there is a choice involved? Babies aren't dogs. You can't just line them up in the middle of the store and choose the one that looks the cutest to cuddle. It is a decision that is so huge, and I want so badly to KNOW what God wants and then to just do it. I believe He will make that clear in His timing. I know I'm not in a hurry, but at my core, I'm always impatient. Right now God has me waiting and praying, and while I look forward to knowing, I will do my best to stop straining against the reigns God has me in for now and enjoy the place I am. I would be happy for your prayers!

23 comments:

Yvette said...

Angie,

Good morning sweet friend! As you already know, I am so excited for you and all of the possibilities which lay before you and Nathan. We are praying for you and all the decisions that will be made in the weeks ahead. I am so thankful the Lord brought your friendship into my life during our T-18 journey and it is so exciting to walk this adoption road with you too. The Lord will bless you for your faithfulness, your obedience and your trust in Him. Looking forward to seeing the precious baby the Lord has waiting for you!

Love, Yvette Hostetter
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

Rebecca said...

Angie,

Consider prayers said. :)

Rebecca

Amy@Life Breaths Photography said...

I will definitely be praying for you and Nathan. I've been wondering where things were with the adoption. So glad to hear things are moving swiftly.

Amy

redeemedintohope said...

angie,
i have been following your blog and am so excited about the renewal process that God has been faithful to do in you and your families life.
i have a really close friend who has adopted two precious boys through a similar agency in nashville where i live.
He will be faithful to speak and as a faithful servant you will hear his voice if you just listen to His heartbeat.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Sweet Angie,
I am praying for you and your family. Remember God already knows the baby you will have so I am certain of the clarity you will have when you finally have him/her. I am so excited for you and will continue to pray for the process. I also want to remind you how much you mean to me and how blessed I feel to know you.
With love,
Kim

Emily said...

Angie,
How exciting & nerve-wracking all at once! I am so happy to get to see you travel this road of adoption. I was able to travel your road with Poppy Joy via this blog & now it is wonderful to see you in this new circumstance. I find you to be an inspiration & I am so excited with the possibilities that are awaiting you, Nathan, Marianna & this precious new baby that God has for you all...I will be praying for you. I know how it is to be impatient, especially about something so exciting! I will continue to watch!
Emily

Laurie said...

Angie,

You know I will be praying for you while you are "in between". Your heart is so sweet and I know God has the exact baby picked out for you. Being a grandma, I can sit back and be excited as I watch the Lord do His greatest work for you and Nathan. I pray for peace for you guys, as you are the ones who are going to raise this little bundle of joy:) I love you girl and am praying for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Emily said...

Angie,
I will definately be praying for you and Nathan and the choices you will have to be making in the upcoming weeks and months. I have always looked up to you as someone who is so in tune with the Spirit that you are able to make wise and right decisions. I will be praying that the Lord would put an indescribible peace in your heart about each decision you make. I am praying often for your sweet family, your precious baby, and the birthmom. I love you!
Emily Duncan

Anonymous said...

Funny, I think we all have our own little "doggie history," and because we needed so much,God gave His son to rescue us. He wanted all of us, too! I could never choose just one child either. That is a part of God that is in me and obvioulsy in you too. You have loads fo prayer support. This is all good!

Anonymous said...

Angie, I've only been reading your blog for a few weeks but was most excited to read your post today. God grew our family first through the adoption of our three children from Ukraine (2,6,10 at the time; 8,12,14 now) and then through the birth of our youngest. Adoption, like birth, is an amazing experience, and you will be blessed to enjoy both.
Prayers,
Amy in Pensacola

Candi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candi said...

have been checking in on your blog regularly and praying for you and your family. I can't even imagine the emotions that you must be experiencing right now. I know that if you ask Him, He will help you Your faith seems so strong and I know that you will continue to be blessed.
I am facing a somewhat similar situation in my life and am comforted by your words.

Continued prayers,
Candi

Just Me said...

Still praying for you all. Thanks for the update. This will be "Week Two" of my foster parent classes...I have absolutely no idea what God has planned for me once I am finished, but for now, I am meeting new people, and learning new things (and that is fun!).

Take care,
Amanda

Cathy said...

Angie,
You are in our prayers. As a mom of 6 children that God blessed me with through adoption and one being T18 our paths are become meshed together. I believe each child was brought to me by God's will. Even though I may not have seen it at their birth, he does reveal it by their lives you will witness growing up. God Bless your family. Cathy & Annabel

Two blessings from above said...

I have no idea how I came across your blog. I wanted to let you know that Poppy's video, My chains are gone is so beautiful! I can't imagine the void you must feel. I will be praying for you and your family and I will be praying for the adoption of your baby.

Sallie said...

Andie,
I too was amazed at the decisions that faced my husband and I when God led us to adoption. The conversations that I could never have imagined over different possibilities. Some, as you said, were WAY outside our comfort zone. Some were a little outside. All were children who needed families! None were easy to turn down. We prayed and prayed. God led. Our beautiful daughter didn't fit our "specifications" when we started this journey, but God brought her to us and we KNOW she was His choice for our family. He will lead you. I'm praying for you.

Sallie said...

Sorry, Angie, I do know your name, I just can't type!

boltefamily said...

I will be praying for God to reveal to you all of the answers you need in His perfect timing. You are an amazing family!

Karen said...

Oh Angie,

There is not a doubt in my mind you have such a pure heart about this. If you are put in a position to choose that is out of your comfort zone, God might be teaching you to trust Him in a whole new way. I think that is where He likes us to be, because we have no choice but to trust and follow His lead when we don't know what we are doing!

I will be praying specifically for this!

Kenzie said...

Angie-

I'm so excited for y'all. I know the possibilities are endless and it is hard to even fathom how things will play out... but, like you told me a while ago, that is the same way it went with carrying our precious little ones in Heaven. So many possibilities and so few answers until you are IN THE MOMENT. Know I will be continuing to pray for peace, for clear direction, for discernment, and for patience. I love you and thank you greatly for the tremendous influence, the tremendous friend you have been to me.

Thank you!
Love much,
Kenzie

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Thinking about you tonight and thanking God for you Angie and for Poppy Joy. And coming to your blog and being reminded of sweet Marianna - she is so precious.
Praying for you - all your needs
Love you,
Kim

boltefamily said...

Angie,

Thanks for your encouragement. I am so thankful that there are other women out there that understand and are willing to reach out. Thank you!

Love,
Kristy

bats said...

I was skimming through your journal... and it struck a chord with me. It's hard to explain, so I'll try to make it short. My mother lost her first baby after she fell down a flight of stairs shortly before his birth. Then she found that she was unable to carry another child. A few years later they decided to adopt, then abruptly my other found out she was miraculously pregnant. My mother is also adopted, my grandmother was unable to have children. In the end my brother arrived three years old, not speaking any english, then three months later I was born. My parents had a toddler and a baby all at once.

I'm 27 now. I'm an artist who makes dolls, my brother is a biology teacher and football coach. He has a three year old son now... my nephew loves thomas the train and coloring books. He thinks I work in california during the week and somehow magically fly home on the weekends.

My mother, and my grandmother, used to always say "Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget not a single minute you grew not under my heart but in it."

My grandmother and my mother and i have never had any doubts about our family. God brings us all together. I LOOK like my grandmother, even though I don't share her genes... even though I'm 1/4th korean and she was welsh. My brother acts so much like my mother, he's SO stubborn! He has my dad's sense of humor. He's got my grandpa's temper. Heck, he's built like my dad and looks like my mom.

Drew's son is just like him too. Drew calls my mom all the time and goes "Mom, I am SO sorry for the time I did X, you wouldn't believe what my son just did. I need some advice..."

God makes families. Drew and i don't always see eye to eye. We don't have as much in common as we did as kids... but I can't WAIT to share my love of transformers and comic books and star wars with his son. I can't wait to tell him all the dumb things his dad did as a kid. Like trying to make crab cakes faster by turning the oven up too high, or when he tried to teach me to play baseball and I was too stupid to put the glove up and got hit point blank in the face! And how he taught me to ride a bike when I was three even though my feet wouldn't touch the ground. I wouldn't trade my brother for the world, no matter what hard times we went through and neither would my parents. And neither would he.

In God all things are possible. We go through what we do so that we can help others through the same.