This has been a big week, filled with a lot of possibility, and even more questions. I spent most of my week thinking and praying, wanting so badly to know and not wonder. I've been waiting to write until I have something definite to say; but now, 6 days later, I am still squarely planted in the fluid realm of possibility. And that's really not a bad place to be. Sure, it is a place where nothing is certain, but it is also a place where hope is everywhere.
On Wednesday of last week I received a much anticipated letter in the mail: the official approval letter from our adoption agency letting us know that our home study is complete, and we are available to be chosen at any time. This made everything so real. We are no longer waiting for anything other than a baby! Wow. I'm not desperate for a baby--at least not in the sense that I've got to have one immediately to feel a void in my heart that is open and hurting--but I want one. To be more specific, I want the baby God has for us. That sounds easy enough. But is it?
Nathan and Marianna and I went to the pet store this weekend to get a few things for Chum and Marlee. Saturdays are big days for everyone to bring out their animals, and Marianna, big dog-lover that she is, loves to pet each one we pass. It is also evidently a day for doggie adoptions, as there were at least 12 animal crates lined up the center aisle way. First, let me start by saying, I DON'T want another dog. I wouldn't have wanted two if I had been far-sighted enough to see that Marianna would fill any need I had for taking care of things when she came along. But as I walked down the aisle and looked at each dog, my heart melted. Each animal had his or her story posted above the kennel, and each story was heart wrenching: one had been hit by a car and rescued, another abandoned when his family moved, and still another taken away from an abusive environment as a puppy. I could hardly take it. Even knowing that there was no way we could bring even one of them home, didn't stop me from wanting them all.
On a much deeper level, this is where I find myself with this adoption. Last week new possibilities were laid at our doorstep, but each one requires us to "choose." I didn't ever anticipate having to do that. I thought the mother would just choose me, and we would get the call telling us a baby was on the way. But what if God's plan is a little outside our comfort zone? What if there is a choice involved? Babies aren't dogs. You can't just line them up in the middle of the store and choose the one that looks the cutest to cuddle. It is a decision that is so huge, and I want so badly to KNOW what God wants and then to just do it. I believe He will make that clear in His timing. I know I'm not in a hurry, but at my core, I'm always impatient. Right now God has me waiting and praying, and while I look forward to knowing, I will do my best to stop straining against the reigns God has me in for now and enjoy the place I am. I would be happy for your prayers!