Monday, May 4, 2009

Not me! Monday

This is the non-comprehensive account of the things that most certainly did not happen to me and my family this past week as we continued to live our quiet, non-descript life in Memphis, TN. For example, I did not spend over an hour of my life this week cleaning up after a dog who has evidently forgotten the meaning of an outdoor bathroom.  There was not a moment when I entered Marianna's room, took a deep whiff, smelled something quite disturbing, and had subsequent murderous thoughts run through my mind about Chum.  I did not in my desperation to clean up the urine, simply dump a box of  baking soda on the offensive spot and hope that something extraordinary would happen, and then find out later that maybe baking soda was better used in cooking than urine removal.  And when I got home from my weekend away, there wasn't a moment when I stepped into my closet, took another whiff, and wished for some punishment greater than murder for the offending Chum.  There is no way that the fact that it has rained most of the week has turned my clean carpet into deluxe bathroom accommodations in my dog's mind. Even if that was the case for some miscreant animals, that would definitely never happen with mine!

I definitely did not hear Marianna just say, "Everything in our house is not always magical!  Sometimes it is, but when your tummy hurts, nothing is magical.  And my tummy will hurt for the rest of my life!"  No, this statement wouldn't be possible because 1) we are never dramatic, and 2) I run a no-nonsense ship around here, so magic is not in the equation.

This week there was not a time when after returning to my seat after a diaper change trip for Adrienne that I looked down and found some smeared diaper content remains, quite visible I might add, on my arm.  While speaking to the lady next to me, I certainly didn't play the role of Joe Cool as I casually reached down into the diaper bag, pulled out a wipe, tidied up my arm, and did a quick spot check of the rest of my body without ever breaking conversation. I didn't congratulate myself for a situation nicely handled shortly before looking at Adrienne and finding that the smearing didn't end at my arm.  I know that as I pulled out a fresh wipe I did not find more diaper contents on her leg, foot, and arm. Certainly not. And I didn't stop and wonder, "What in tarnation happened there in that bathroom? Have I not changed thousands of diapers up to this point in my life?  How now, at this level of diaper veteranship, have I managed to leave the bathroom, feeling like there was a job well done, when in fact me and my child were both covered in excrement?" No, nothing like this ever passed through my head, and the situation itself certainly didn't happen!

And when I arrived in Lousiville for my first ever trip to share my testimony, I definitely did not start the trip off with a bang by forgetting to securely lock the bathroom door in the airport stall.  There is no way that I was already on the toilet before I glanced up and saw the door swinging on it's hinges, all the way open, in front of me.  No.  It couldn't have happened. Not to me!

And last, but not least, this is certainly not the first time I have ever participated in McMama's magnificent blog carnival, because who would have waited until now to participate for the first time?  And the thing holding me back certainly wasn't fear that my college degree wouldn't go far enough in being able to help me figure out how to operate Mr. Linky.  No. Never.  Never, ever, ever.  Not me!

Stop by McMama's blog to read more about what others did not do this week, or try it yourself.  It's fun!


Candace said...

Oh Angie! With your poop story and airplane bathroom story... I was laughing so loudly that my students starting laughing!

Brandi said...


Emily said...

absolutely hilarious! It's the mark of a seasoned mom when you can wipe poop off your own body and whatever else it might be on and not miss a beat! Oh, and maybe you should put a diaper on the dog! lol

Laurin said...

Oh. How funny! Why didn't you tell me a/b the plane ride incident????

Julia said...

i LOVE this post! too funny. popped over from mckmama's blog!!

cute kids too!! ;)