Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Two hands, holding tight

I'm still breathing in deeply this morning.  The more deep breaths I take, the more of the tension, terror, and anxiety from yesterday melts away.  Yes, I've known that things were okay since about 6:00 yesterday, but even with the head knowledge, it's taken awhile to gradually seep through every part of me.  

Relief.  That's the only word to describe it. 

In the middle of the night, Marianna came down to our room crying, having just woken up from a nightmare.  It's the first nightmare she's ever had, and she told me this morning that she dreamed someone had taken her from a car.  But last night I didn't ask questions.  I just pulled out a blanket and let her lay down next to our bed.  

But even with the close proximity, she continued to whimper.  I kept telling her, "Honey, it's okay.  Momma is right here with you." That wasn't enough for her.  Soon I saw her hand peaking up from the top of the bed, and she said, "Mommy, I need you to hold my hand."

I moved to the edge of the bed and let her hand latch onto my fingers, and it wasn't ten seconds before her other hand flew up and grabbed my hand as well.  The two handed grip on her lifeline, my hand, was what she wanted. It wasn't enough to be in the same room and know I was with her; she needed to feel my touch.

Even at 3:00 in the morning, the parallel between her need for me and my need for God struck me with complete clarity.  Yesterday, when I saw Adrienne's limp body, what I needed was God's touch.  I knew He was there, but I wanted to feel His presence.  

I told you that I was reading The Shack, and one of the things that I think really draws people to the book is the fact that God, manifesting Himself in human form, is able to be there physically for the main character, Mack.  God can wrap physical arms around Mack, and show that love that is sometimes so difficult to feel.

Really, that's what we all want.  We want that closeness that can feel His presence, sense His arms, and know, not just in our head but in our heart, that He is there.  And that's why we have His Spirit.  In the absence of a physical touch, the Holy Spirit speaks to our heart and soul, providing a tangible comfort and physical peace in those moments of difficulty.

I felt that yesterday as I held Adrienne's body.  I didn't know what was happening, but I knew I was not alone.  Real arms would have been a beautiful thing, but I'm so grateful that God gives us His Spirit to minister to us in the meantime.

One day we will see with our eyes, one day we will touch Jesus, one day we will KNOW.  But for right now, even when I cant grip God's hand with both of mine in a physical sense, praise His name, I can do so spiritually.  He is real and He is here, always, and most especially in times of trouble.

Just so you know, this is how I found Adrienne this morning, sleeping deeply and peacefully, with only her clothes, the little hospital gown and bracelet, to speak of the trauma of yesterday. She is happy and feeling good.  Again, thank you, Jesus!


MandieGirl said...

I'm reading that book right now, and just got to the point where he went back to The Shack last night and was talking to Papa...What a great parallel...I do hope that the nightmare was just a single occurence and not a new thing, but will be praying all the same. :)


Anonymous said...

God gave you and your huband two beautful girls.

asplashofsunshine said...

She looks so sweet sleeping like that. SO glad that she is better. :)

Just'N Angel said...

I am reading it also and I know how you feel. I am so glad to know you are all okay and that Adrienne is doing better. What a scary time! I hope Marianna is feeling more confident today. They are both so precious.

Lauren said...

I love the way she is sleeping. Leave it to a baby to find comfort in what looks like the most uncomfortable position. She looks so relaxed. So happy that everything turned out good yesterday!

Just Me said...

I read that book a couple months ago and LOVED it! I think you "hit the nail on the head" though about why people are drawn to it...physical touch, tangible love shown by Papa to Mack. Thank you for sharing your reflection on this and the parallel in your own life.

So glad that Adrienne is doing better. I have been a nurse for seven years and seizures are not something I am very comfortable with, so cannot begin to imagine how it feels to see your child like that.

Hope you had a good day!
Take care,

Nick and Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JonesChronicles said...

I found your blog a while back and have checked in now and then for a while. I have three little children, and something about THIS post resonated with me. I have a fairly severe anxiety disorder, and I often wish I could literally hold the hands of Jesus. (I think one of my favorite songs is Rich Mullins, "Hold Me, Jesus.") But, tonight, having taking medication to help stop an anxiety attack, I realized that I desperately wanted to pick up my 6-month-old and hold her. Just hold her. It is a struggle for me, all day long, to work through my own disorder so that I might be a stable set of hands for my children. And though it might sound silly, sometimes the hands that Jesus uses to calm me, cheer me, bless me, and encourage me, are the tiny, soft hands of my children. And sometimes he uses the words that YOUR hands have penned. Thank you!

Always Been Different said...

Praying you :-)

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you just let her sleep in your bed with you? That's so sad that you made her sleep on the floor. She probably needed a cuddle.

Angie said...

i thought someone might ask about that =). the reason we don't let her in bed is b/c she has a bad history with it. one night i let her sleep in bed, and then she began coming down EVERY night and wanting to sleep in bed. it ended up being a huge deal for her to get over it, and so now, as a general rule, if she needs us, she can come sleep on the floor. i cannot sleep AT ALL if she is in the bed, and she, being just 3, thinks the floor is just dandy. She is always more than welcome to go to her daddy's side and sleep with him, as he can sleep under any conditions, but she'd rather stay on my side on the floor. trust me, i'm not cruel =)

Anonymous said...

We have done the same, Angie. "In" the bed is not a good long-term option for every family - but our kids have always been completely happy making themselves a "nap cot" next to our bed. (We've even contemplated just putting an extra "in-case" bed in our bedroom, but they are happy enough just to be near us on the floor.) The point was obviously that you responded to her need for you with the love you have for her, and it touched something inside you about your own need for that kind of loving response. I think we all see that clearly.

Cathy said...

Oh my gosh, How scarey. I am so glad she is better. Will still keep your family in my prayers.