an update

I know I write pretty often, but I guess a lot of times the posts are devoid of any factual information about how and where we are right now, just two months out from when Poppy was here with us.

I want to start off by saying, if not for Jesus, I don't know where I would be. But I do have Him, and because of that, I can tell you that I am better than I would have ever dreamed. Emotionally, I feel almost completely healed from the pain and hurt inflicted by Poppy's death; something that I would never have dreamt would be possible after such a short time. It is the sweetness of her time with us that floods over me above everything else, and even though some things are still difficult, the raw, gaping wound has been closed. I am happy. Not just filled with joy, but happy, too! Part of me doesn't want to share this because I feel like it isn't right to have healed so quickly, yet the other part of me realizes that pretending to hold onto a grief that is no longer there would be a slap in God's face. So I will admit it without qualification. I am enjoying life, and it is richer now than it has ever been before.

Some have asked how I am doing physically, and I am happy to report that I am just about all back to normal. Even though my incision will require quite a bit longer to heal, it is the internal wound that takes time. On the outside, I feel great. I even was able to play racquetball today after almost a full year without stepping onto the court. I'm not ready for any marathons, or even a 5K for that matter, but for all the normal day to day things, I would never know I had recently ungergone surgery.

Now for the 'where we are' part. Nathan and I got the chance a week ago today to go to the pregnancy crisis center we are adopting through, to have our first official meeting. We were given our application and the paper work, and we dedcided that we wanted to hit the ground running. I set a goal for us to finish our part of the process in two weeks. That may turn out to be a bit ambitious, but so far I feel like we are on track! I have finished the extensive writing portion of the application, including a 10 page questionnaire and 12 page autobiography, and we have completed over half of the original checklist.

If I was going to sum up the adoption process in one word I would say it is thorough. But even though it can be time consuming, it is something I'm very pleased with because it seems only right that the potential families these babies will be placed in be acceptable in every way. But I do think it's funny that I've found myself doing a number of things over the past week that I certainly wouldn't have anticipated. Nathan and I went downtown to get an official statement from the police department announcing we are citizens in good standing, without any prior crimes to our names. Then we went to the local gun range to be electronically finger printed, at which time I found out that there is actually a technique to the process, and it is one I don't posess! I had to try each finger three times, and I definitely got the feeling the girl working the computer was less than impressed with my ability. Ohh well!

We are also providing statements from everything imaginable: our doctor, our bank, our insurance companies, etc. But the crowning jewel of the whole application process is our profile. This is something I am putting together this week, and basically it is a visual picture of our lives that the birthmother is able to flip through before choosing the family for her baby. To me, this more than anything else will portray who and what we are. Words are necessary, but pictures can capture what pen and paper can't. I have kept this project for the last because I feel it is in many ways the most important.

Along with this scrapbook of our lives, I will include a letter to the birthmother. Without doubt, this is the most difficult part of the application process for me. Each time I sit down and try to write, I feel like my words aren't adequate. Knowing that I can say anything to the mother of my future child, but realizing that a letter is inevitably going to fall short in being able to fully express my heart is a difficult place to be. I know I will eventually get something down, but right now I'm stuck. I'm praying that God will give me the words I'm having a hard time finding.

So, in a nutshell, that's where we are. The baby God has for us is on the horizon, and I am enjoying the many things God has brought into my life over the past few months as a result of Poppy. I feel like I don't have a right for things to be going so well, and when I think about it, I know it's because I don't. God gives everything; nothing can be taken for granted. That being said, I am so grateful for where we find ourselves right now!