Friday, November 30, 2007

One day at a time

Yesterday turned out to be a bit of a roller coaster. I was scheduled to go in for my final ultrasound and doctors appointment in the afternoon, and the timing was perfect because I started my day off with some fairly consistent contractions. I felt good knowing that I would be able to go in and have them check everything out and tell me what we needed to do. I went ahead and did some hospital packing, preparing for the small chance that that I wouldn't return home from the appointment, and then I headed out to my car to leave for my appointment. I turned the key, turned it again, and again, and nothing. My car wouldn't start. After going through a few attempts at a quick fix, including pouring a bottle of Pepsi over the battery and trying my hand at jumper cables, I took my mom's car and headed off with just enough time to make it to the first appointment. Stress levels were higher than normal walking in, and then the news that met us what not what I was hoping to hear. There was nothing surprising about Poppy's measurements, as they were virtually the same as last time, but what did alarm me was the fact that her heart rate had dropped almost 20 beats from our last appointment. For some reason, I've had it ingrained in my head that if her heart rate started declining, it was time to get her out. By the time I walked into the doctor's office, I was ready to ask him to go ahead and deliver her immediately and not take any chances on her heart continuing to slow down. However, while in the appointment they took her heart rate three more times, and all three times showed a faster rate. My doctor explained that the variation was not only normal, it was actually a good sign! I admit that it took some time for this to sink in and for me to feel truly convinced. My hope is to make it to the 6th, but far more important than that is having the chance to hold her while she is still with us. Yesterday, I felt blinded to everything else but that one thought.

Yet, before I went in to talk to my doctor I stopped and prayed that God would give Dr. Sullivant wisdom to know exactly what to do. I was in such an emotional state that nothing but sending me to the hospital felt like the right thing, but the doctor told me with no equivocation that she was fine and that she needed to stay this one extra week if at all possible to give her little body the extra days to prepare for life outside of me. I asked about the contractions, and he told me that if I go into labor, I should go to the hospital. That was a little too logical for someone in my supercharged emotional condition, but now having slept a night on it, I am feeling good about his decision and grateful to God for using him as a tool to keep Poppy inside until it is His perfect timing for her to be born.

But, the contractions, while not increasing in intensity, are continuing to come at fairly frequent intervals. It certainly gives a new meaning to walking this journey one day at a time. It is shocking to realize that each day from here on out could be the day we meet Poppy. Somehow I became so consumed with our little timeline and the countdown to December 6th, that this new reality threw me for a loop. Nathan reminded me yesterday that nothing about this pregnancy has been according to our plan or what we expected, so who knows why I am surprised that the end should be the same. What has been clear is that even though this road has held many unexpected twists and turns for us, none of it has been a surprise to God. The same continues to be true.

I am asking God to provide me with a new peace. One that will allow me accept the timing of her delivery no matter when it is. I am also asking Him to send his angels to surround us and protect us from physical and spiritual attacks. Psalm 34:7 says "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them." I claim that promise! The other night someone also shared a blessing from Psalm 61 that I am clinging to. It says "Hear my cry O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Right now I feel as if the waters could come crashing over our heads at any second. I just don't have what it takes to swim and make it on my own. I need Him to place me on that rock that is higher than the waters. He will be the one to keep us from being dragged under by the current because He offers the only safe place to stand.

11 comments:

Laurie said...

Angie,

Jesus is our Rock and He holds you right next to His heart. No waters will touch His Plan for you and Poppy Joy. Praying for that peace that flows all over you, the one that passes all understanding and is given by Him. Hold on to your joy and hope in your heart and try not to be afraid. God still has control of every moment and He is not going to let anything interfere with His Perfect plan. May you find sweet rest and comfort and trust in the One who knows this time you are in right now. He is the same One who knew this very moment while you were being formed in your mothers womb. He can be trusted with all things and in all things. He loves you and Nathan and Marianna with all of His heart. As I wait for my second grandchild to be born any time now, you are in my heart and in my prayers every minute. Be still and know that God is always in control. His grace is all over Poppy Joy to bring her through.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Mandy said...

I began to read your blog through another, and have kept up with you and Poppy throughout your pregnancy. Please know that people that do not physically know you, but feel so connected spiritually to you, are praying that God's peace, love, and grace surrounds you, Nathan, and Poppy. Your faith has been a wonderful testimony for Christ! Psalm 40: 1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."
Mandy in Arkansas

Rebecca said...

Angie, I continue to pray for you all. We love you all.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but know that I am praying for you and your family.

Emily said...

Hey girl.

I've commented before you. You probably know my story. While I cannot identify with Trisomy 18, I can identify with only being allowed to hold my girl for a few days before she went home with her Father. I stand on the other side of your mountain. I am proof that God's big enough to carry you over it. You do lack strength. You are unable to make it through this. This is too much for you. You cannot do it alone. And all that is all the more reason to praise God because He will never, ever leave you or forsake you. Never. Take it from another young mama who knows. It's not easy, but He never said it would be. He only said we'd never go alone. And when all of this is over, Jesus and your girl will be waiting there for you. :) Hold to that on the sad days. It is the most important truth you can cling to.

If you need an ear, a shoulder, or an email or anything really, please know I'm here. I am honored to pray you through and I am so excited to hear all about your beautiful Poppy. I just know she'll be breathtaking.

Jessica said...

Angie,
I was in a state of prayer for you and Poppy a good bit of yesterday. Now I know why. I will continue my petitions. See you Sunday.

In Him,
Jessica

Devin said...

I always felt better while pregnant with my children. While inside of me, I felt I could protect my child somehow, that we were closer then than we would ever be again. Giving birth actually produced, strangely, a momentary sadness as I then had to then share "my" baby with others.

May the Lord keep Poppy inside of your body as long as possible, as no matter what lies ahead, she will remain in your heart forever.

Prayers and blessings to you all.

Elizabeth S said...

Praying...

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Angie-

Just know we are continuing to pray for peace and the Lord will give it to you exactly when you need it. I received this from a friend the other day and it was a good reminder for me... it said "When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but
merely opening your hands to receive something better."

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not
protect you.'

I didn't read that as taking our children from our grasp, but rather taking control from our grasp. As you said, none of these things are a surprise to Him, so just hold on to Him tightly these last few days and know that you are being covered in prayer and love!

Praying,
Kenzie

Anonymous said...

We are praying with anticipation for Poppy's perfect timing that the Lord knows. 'She won't be early, she won't be late, God is always on time.' Seems like that is a twist on a Dr. Rogers quote.

Jeanne

Donna said...

Angie, Although I've not written to you before today, My Mom and I have followed your journey. You see, I came to 'know' your family through Track and Yvette... they are my son and daughter-in-law. Trayc just called and asked us to pray for you, Nathan and little Poppy Joy RIGHT NOW!...and we have and will continue to do so today. Words fail me as I try to express our feelings for you. Please know our love and petitions to our Lord are with you...especially today. We are leaving TN for FL at 5:00am in the morning for our little Tristan's birthday, Monday between 10:00am and 12:00 noon. As I stitched Tristan's birth pillow, I prayed into every stitch for health and time for him. That is my prayer for Poppy Joy...health and precious time. Love in Christ Jesus, Donna (Johnson City, TN) God goes before you today and His presence is with you. "May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you..." II Corinthians 13:14