It’s been a little while since I’ve settled in to write, and not because of a lack of things to share, but rather a lack of time in which to sit down and write them! I need to give a good update soon, but suffice it to say the girls are great—keeping me entertained, busy, fulfilled, grounded, and exhausted =). Nathan is wonderful, and I continue to be grateful on a daily basis for his friendship, love, and partnership in the parenting venture! But the more detailed account of the day to days around our house will be for another day. Today I have something else I feel impressed to share.
A year ago as we were immersed in the unknown, waiting on Poppy to come, I wrote almost constantly about what was happening. The ups and downs, the things I learned, the emotions that battled it out, raging and subsiding in irregular patterns—all of it was there, post after post, acting as therapy for me as I walked the journey one day at a time. Then Poppy came, and for a little while, I detailed what it was like to walk that road of grief, tinged with joy at the thought that she was now with Jesus. But what I feel like I have not done much of is tell you how the grieving process drew to a close and eventually ended.
I don’t want to say anything on this subject before first acknowledging that grieving is an intensely personal experience, and I don’t think any two roads are ever exactly alike. What I experienced may bear similarities to what someone else went through, but when it comes down to it, only God truly knows and understand it all. For me, I did much of my grieving before Poppy was born. In the months after the diagnosis, I had to deal with that reality on a daily basis, grieving the loss of normalcy, and the loss of not being able to raise the daughter that I was carrying. Then, when Poppy came and went, a whole new wave of grieving washed over me. Burying a child is not something you can ever be ready for, and no amount of gearing up can get you to the place where you have the strength to step up and face it. No, I found that you’re only given what you need right at the moment it is needed. That’s just how God works, and having experienced the peace and strength that comes in moments that seem unthinkable, I have to say I wouldn’t have it any other way.
In the months following Poppy’s death, after the adrenaline and intense sorrow had passed, I realized I was walking in uncharted waters. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, but I felt God telling me to give it all to him—the good days, the sad ones, the anger and hurt, the joy and blessings, all the things I didn’t understand and all the things I had learned. I just took it all to Jesus, asking Him to walk beside me, hold me when I was hurting, comfort me when I didn’t understand, wrap His arms around me when I felt the loneliness, and ultimately, take my hand and lead me to the place He had for me. The road I walked was not a straight shot, but it was heading in a direction.
Grief is not a place that you park. It is not a destination. I believe that with every season of grieving, Jesus desires us to reach a place of complete, total, life-renewing healing. I don’t have to go through life as one of the walking wounded! Instead, Jesus has given me the freedom to pursue healing, and eventually attain it. I can’t give you an exact day or time—it’s much to gradual for that—but what I can tell you is that now, nearly 10 months later, that the wound is closed, and I feel like the healing is complete.
I really love the concept of healing. I feel restored, yet there is always a mark to remind me that I’m not the same person I used to be. I don’t suffer from a gaping wound, but scar is not something I would replace even if I could. Poppy changed me, and grieving for her was something that I HAD to do. It wasn’t optional. But it was also something I had to release. To continue clinging to the grief would have crippled me in every area of my life, and it would have fallen short of the liberty, free from the bondage of grief, that God desires me to live in.
I wanted to share this because I know the lies Satan tries to spread. I know there can be guilt associated with letting go of the deep-rooted emotions that come with any tragedy. But I also know what God has done in my life. I have nothing to flaunt because nothing was done in my power. It is only the supernatural healing that Jesus brings that I can boast about. That healing has given me new life.
Galatians 5:5 “It was for freedom that Christ set us free.”