Joy Thru My Teardrops

I just walked in moments ago to find out that Tristan Hostetter has gone home to heaven. This beautiful little boy shone for Jesus for 8 amazing weeks before he was called home this afternoon. He was born just days after Poppy, and I have prayed for him and his family every day since. Even though our story was not the same as the Hostetter’s, I have watched with so much joy as I have seen Yvette, Trayc, Tanner and Tayden love this special baby with everything in them. I am so grateful to God that He chose to give them this time, yet now they need our prayers intensely as they walk forward into the grief of not having him with them.

There is something that I have wanted to share for quite a while, and as soon as I heard this news, God impressed upon my heart that the time is now. This poem has a special place in my heart. My mom, who I look up to as one of my greatest heroes, wrote this out of the deepest heartache of her life. The words are for anyone grieving, hurting, and desperately needing to be held by Jesus. It was written to be sung to the music of “A Few of My Favorite Things.” Tonight, this is my prayer for sweet Yvette and the many others who are lifting up their broken hearts to Jesus. I hope the words bless you.

Joy thru my teardrops, and gains thru my losses
Beauty for ashes, and crowns for my crosses;
He binds my wounds, and He dries all my tears
Calms every storm and He conquers my fears.

He gives me hinds’ feet to walk on high places,
He floods my soul with His heavenly graces;
When I am weak then His strength makes me strong
I know I can trust Him, He’s never been wrong.

Trials may come and temptations assail me
Though I may falter, He never will fail me;
So Satan I bind you in His holy name
For at the cross Jesus’ blood overcame!

When the doubt comes, when I’m lonely
When my heart is sad;
I’ll lift up mine eyes to my Savior above
And Jesus will make me glad.

When in my heart there is sadness and sorrow
Jesus has promised a brighter tomorrow;
Victory is mine, yes, it’s already won
I’ve only to claim it by faith in God’s Son.

All of my cares I will cast down before Him
Even in trials my heart will adore Him;
He bears my burdens, He comforts my soul
Oh why should I worry when He’s in control?

Lord in the time of deep grief and emotion
I will yet serve You with constant devotion;
You have not failed me one step of the way
That is the reason I’ll trust You and say:

I will praise You! I will praise You!
Jesus Christ my King;
For You fill my heart with a song in the night
Yes, You make my heart to sing!

What's it worth?

I have a hang up, but I’m not quite sure how to define it. It’s like I have this compulsion to make sure I know the value of material objects in order that I never pay over what it is actually worth. For example, yesterday I ordered my usual drink in the Starbucks drive-thru, and as waited to hear the familiar total rattled back at me, I was suddenly thrown into a conundrum as the up-beat barista projected through the drive-thru speaker a total 37 cents higher than expected. I quickly checked the menu just to make sure I hadn’t missed a recent price hike, but sure enough, it was the same. Now I had a dilemma. As I waited the next 14 minutes (I’m not kidding…our Starbucks is really that slow) before I reached the window, I debated about how I could gently and non-offensively let the girl know that I had been overcharged. It’s not the 37 cents per se, but the principle of the matter that is important, or at least that’s what I was telling myself. Well, as it turns out, the mistake was discovered without my help, and I was spared the unpleasantness of confrontation.

Okay, I know that by this point some of you have figured out exactly how to define my little quirk: I am cheap. I hate to own it, but when I consider my habits (I shop on ebay, Target is my department store of choice, and I won’t buy anything at the mall unless its on sale), the evidence is against me. I guess my point is that I seem to have no trouble in assessing the worth of inanimate objects. Not that this is some special talent I possess, it’s just something I’ve noticed lately. As I was thinking on this, it occurred to me that maybe I was better at judging the value of the inconsequential things in life than I am those things which are truly important.

This came as a shock initially. After all, the events of the past few days, and then before that of the past few months, have shown me how precious the lives of every one of these special babies truly is. But then I realized that’s not what I’m having trouble with. What I’m really missing is the value of every other life. The lives of the people who are healthy as well as those who are sick. It’s like it takes a terminal illness in order for me to see how valuable people really are. I can guarantee you that if Poppy had lived, I never would have had one moment of frustration with her because I knew that her condition was frail, and I would have wanted to cherish each and every moment. Yet, I find myself getting all worked up and annoyed at people--close friends, acquaintances, or total strangers alike--over the silliest things. I thought last night, “What if Nathan were sick with cancer? Would I get irritated over something silly like getting hit in the head with lip gloss as a result of his poor aim?” I don’t have to think about it long because I know the answer. And to be honest, it leaves me disappointed in myself.

I couldn’t go to sleep last night as I considered my actions. I hate that on a daily basis I treat people as less valuable than they really are. I hate that I get irritated at people over the things they do that don't match up to whatever preconceived standards I have set for them. I hate that I can’t truly grasp a person’s worth until I am faced with his or her death. That’s not how I want to be. As I continued to think, I realized that each and every person on this earth has the same intrinsic value as Poppy or any of the other babies who have gone on to be with Jesus, because every human life gets its value from the same source: Jesus. It is the love of Jesus that gives us our value, and His love is the same for each and every life He creates. I want to learn to act on this truth each and every day, and not just the ones that bring tragedy. I think it all boils down to wanting to love people better. Something that will take a lifetime of work, but will yield the greatest reward.

Psalm 139

If I say “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You.
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am
Fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it full well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Psalm 139:11-16

This chapter has long been one of my favorites, but in the recent months as I have become immersed in the reality of life’s frailty, these particular verses have come alive, sustaining me in the dark moments. The beauty of this passage is something I will never tire of, but even more valuable than the eloquence of the language is the truth it proclaims that ever human being is precious! I have claimed that for Poppy, Tristan, Copeland, and Mary Grace already, and now as I think of little Maddox, who will come into the world today, and Gwyneth Rose, who is two weeks old and continuing to thrive, I claim this for them as well.

Jesus knows each and every moment of every life He has ever created, and He has known all of this since before time began. In response to this truth all I can do is echo the psalmist’s cry in verse 6 of this same Psalm. “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it.” I will never fathom all of it, but I know it is the truth. Each one of these babies is precious in the sight of our Father, and He will care for them with a love even greater than that of their earthly parents.

I have also been thinking today of the little baby that God has ordained since before time to be my child through the process of adoption. I claim these verses for that precious little one as well. I don’t know if he or she has been conceived yet, nor do I know how God will orchestrate the circumstances to bring us together. It will likely be through the local crisis pregnancy center, but I realize that God could use something even like this blog to help connect us with the child we are waiting to accept completely and wholly as our own. His plan will undoubtedly unfold in a way unanticipated by me, but it will be perfect.

Today, I ask that you stop and think about this passage and the truth it holds for your life, the lives of your children, and the lives of these children who need your prayers right now.

Baby Maddox is Coming!

The Stanfield family needs your prayers right now! Kenzie has gone into labor tonight. She was scheduled to be induced on February 5th, but she knew there was a possibility that she might go in early. Right now she is progressing and will probably have baby Maddox by tomorrow morning. I know that God has them in His hands and that His timing is perfect, but please pray that all of the pieces will fall into place before he arrives. Please pray that all of her family will be able to get there as soon as possible. Please pray for Dusty and Kenzie as they approach their long awaited little boy's birth. I feel like the ground they will be treading over the next few hours is holy. God has chosen these special babies to shine brightly for Him in a way that nothing else can. I know that Maddox will. Thank you in advance for the prayers I know you will be praying for this precious family that means so much to me. Lift them up to Jesus, and I know He will take care of them. Please continue to check Kenzie's blog at www.thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com.

Blessed

So much sorrow and pain
Still I will not live in vain

These lyrics are from a Ben Harper song that has come to mean a lot to me lately, because the thought expressed in these two lines is the exact sentiment I have felt reverberating in my heart since Poppy has gone. The more I am exposed to the world in all of its harshness, the more I see the devastating reality of pain. Whether it is unavoidable, like Poppy’s illness, or a result of human depravity, both have the power to leave people laid open to the heart, altered irrevocably. This is not how I want to be! I have witnessed more pain and heartache—and not just my own—over the past months than maybe I have in the rest of my life combined, and I continue to be left with the strong conviction that the greatest tragedy that can come from each terrible situation is for the person to be left empty and stripped of any sense of meaning in life.

The chorus of this song is simple. It says
I am blessed
I am blessed
I am blessed
I am blessed
I am blessed
I am blessed
I am blessed to be a witness
I’ve been listening to this in my car since Poppy died, and somewhere along the way, the truth of those words penetrated my heart. I realized that this is the attitude I want to claim as I think about what my eyes can give testimony to as a result of this valley we have walked through. There are so many things... I am a witness to the unrelenting nature of hope, to the beauty and sanctity of life despite its length, to the power of prayer to relieve the fear that longs to consume, and to the ability of sorrow to refine and strengthen instead of destroy. Above all I am a witness to God’s power and faithfulness.

For the most part, thinking of Poppy no longer stabs me with pain. The hurt hasn’t been erased, but the intensity has eased to the point that it is no longer dominant. Instead, the many good and wonderful things that her life represents to me rise to the surface when I think about my baby. She gave me renewed meaning and a clarified purpose, and pursing those things in my life is where I want my focus to be.

This is why I am throwing myself completely and totally into the adoption process. It is something that God has placed on our hearts as the right path to pursue at this time, and that is exactly what I want to do. Refusing to follow the leading we feel because of some need to remain sad seems so opposite from what God wants for us. It seems like it must also be opposite of what Poppy wants for us. I imagine that if she has gotten wind of our plan, her little heart is filled with nothing but joy. Because sorrow doesn’t need to put the brakes on life—it needs to encourage me to pursue what is important in life with a renewed passion. My starting place will be to begin working hand in hand with Life Choices (yes! we did make our decision), and to take advantage of opportunities God places in my life to be an encouragement to others who are walking through dark valleys of their own. "Passing through the valley of Baca they make it a spring; The early rain also covers it with blessings." Psalm 84:6

Next Step

I'm going to cut the suspense and get straight to it. Nathan and I have decided to pursue adoption! I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm filled with hope, and I can't wait to get the process officially started! Okay, that being said, I'll back up and explain how this came about. Shortly after Poppy died, Nathan and I both began to think seriously about adoption. I think the idea came to us both separately, and we were excited to find a few days later that each of us had been considering the possibility. Let me give a quick side note and say that we had already felt led to adopt at some point in our lives—we just assumed it would be later on down the road after we had finished having children of our own. For many years now I have loved the concept of adoption and how it correlates with what God has done for us. I think it is such a beautiful picture of redemption and love, and I looked forward to being able to take one of these precious orphans into our family as our own. Originally, I had envisioned doing this by adopting internationally.

Moving back to present day, after Poppy’s loss and the subsequent knowledge that I would be unable to consider getting pregnant again for 18 months, we began to seriously pray about whether adoption was something that God had for us now as opposed to later. The answer we quickly came to was, YES! We both felt that this is exactly the path for us to begin exploring, and the only thing we wanted to know was whether to pursue international or domestic adoption.

My leaning and inclination had always been to adopt internationally. In fact, I can honestly say that domestic was not something I had ever considered before, but I wanted to make sure we covered all of the bases and went in the direction God had for us. In order to get all of the information, I set up an appointment with a Christian adoption agency called Bethany. As we eagerly anticipated this appointment, something unexpected began to take place in my heart: I slowly began to feel my desire shifting to adopt domestically. I really can’t explain why, but by the time we went to our appointment yesterday, while still open to both options, I knew that I felt my heart leaning strongly toward domestic adoption.

As we sat through the two-hour informative meeting, hearing the many details regarding both international and domestic adoption, I felt the calling toward domestic adoption confirmed in every way. It is unexpected, largely unexplained, and yet I’m thrilled about it. As the social worker explained the ins and outs of the domestic program, I felt everything in me completely at peace with going in this direction, and after discussing it with Nathan, we are agreed that this is the path we will pursue.

I’ll give you a quick summary of what this process will be like. We will go through a home study, and after that is complete and we are approved, we will be eligible to be put in the pool of available families. We will then create a profile, which is a picture scrapbook of our lives. We can include letters, pictures, and anything else we want to let the birth mothers know what our family is like. Then, whenever a birthmother comes to the agency, she is able to look through the available profiles and select the parents she wants for her child. It’s as simple as that. No waiting lists, no set timelines. The crazy thing is that means we could be chosen in one week, one year, or never. There is no way of knowing, but somehow, even that part of the process is exciting to me right now.

The biggest decision that still remains is whether to choose the Bethany adoption agency or to go with Life Choices, which is a local crisis pregnancy center. If you would pray with us and ask God to help us decide which course to pursue, we would greatly appreciate it! I can’t wait to be able to make this decision and move forward with the paperwork necessary to get this process moving. Last night as Nathan and I were considering how excited we are about the baby God has for us, we also thought about how thrilled Marianna is going to be to have a baby brother or sister. That thought makes me so happy. I continue to be amazed at how God is redeeming our tragedy for good. Now as we move forward with this thrilling, but somewhat daunting prospect of adoption, I know His faithfulness will continue.

Remembering

I have all of these things—trinkets people have given, flowers from the memorial service, the blanket and clothes she wore, all of the many pictures that were taken—and each one of these items is special because they all have one thing in common: Poppy. We knew that each moment we had would be a gift, so I planned as much as I could to make sure there would be tangible items that we would be able to remember her by. I know that ultimately they are just things, yet they are her things, and it is their ability to help us remember that gives them their significance.

As I was thinking about this, a story came to me that reminded me of the importance of refusing to forget. I thought about the Israelites, as they were just about to enter the Promised Land after 40 years of wondering in the wilderness. They stood on the brink of the fulfillment of generations of promise, yet even there they were faced with the formidable obstacle of the Jordan River. The banks of the river were overflowing, effectively preventing the thousands of Israelites from crossing to the other side, until God stepped in and once again miraculously provided for His people.

God instructed Joshua to send the priests with the Ark of the Covenant ahead of the people into the Jordan River, and once they obeyed, God showed Himself faithful. The waters of the Jordan River piled up on top of each other, allowing the people of God’s promise to walk across what should have been watery territory on dry ground. It was a miracle, and it was something that God didn’t want the people who had witnessed it to ever forget.

This was so important that God had Joshua bring 12 stones from the riverbed of the Jordan River to set up on the other side to serve as a reminder of God’s faithfulness to the people of Israel. It wasn’t enough for the people to just talk about it every once in awhile, or reminisce in the years to come about the exciting adventure they were a part of on the eve of entering into the promised land. Instead, God wanted a physical reminder to stand for generations to come as a symbol of His strength, power, love and faithfulness to the Israelites.

Because of this, I decided that what I wanted was a physical place in my house that was set aside to honor Poppy, but even more importantly to remind us on a daily basis of God’s faithfulness to us. With the help of my mom, I was able to set up a beautiful spot in my living room that serves as “Poppy’s Place.” On it I have a candle that contains the poppies from her graveside, several crosses and statues of angels holding babies that were given by friends and family, and an angel’s wing with a verse that speaks of being hidden under the protection of God’s wing. In the drawer of the table I have stored her clothes and blankets, the clay molds of her hands and feet, and the other sweet reminders of her time with us.

It may come across to some as a shrine of sorts to our little baby, but this isn’t what my heart’s motive is. My desire is to keep this out so that I never have a day go by without stopping to think about what God did through the miracle of Poppy Joy. God redeemed something ugly (disease and death) and turned it into something more beautiful than I have ever experienced. I am changed, and I want this spot to be my Stones of Remembrance in the years to come to keep me from ever forgetting what God did in this time of our lives.