Blessed Be the Name

"Blessed be your glorious name, and may it be exalted above all blessing and praise."
Nehemiah 9:5

Today was Adrienne's dedication, and the entire day was symbolic for me. First the dedication itself was symbolic of our commitment as parents to raise our little girl for Jesus. It is our way of saying that we understand that she is a gift, placed in our care, but not something we own. She is God's, as we all are, and we wanted to make a public acknowledgement of that understanding.

But the symbolism didn't end there. Today when we walked into the worship service, the first song we sang was "Blessed Be the Name," and the significance of that song on this particular day was impossible to miss. The chorus of that song says, "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be your name." It was the same song we had chosen to sing at Poppy's funeral, just 11 months ago.

On that day 11 months ago, I walked into our church, wearing a black dress with a green coat, and sang that song. I sang it with tears running down my face, realizing to my core what it meant to have something taken away. The words of that song resonated with me in a way that had been impossible in the past.

And today, 11 months later, I walked into our church, wearing the same black dress and green coat, and sang the song again. This time it was from a heart that has come full circle, arms full with a beautiful six month girl. He has given and taken away, and more than ever, I believe from my heart His name is to be blessed.

I wore the outfit symbolically as well. I bought it for Poppy's celebration service, and I felt like to wear it today represented that her story is intrinsically tied up with Adrienne's. Never would we have her if not for Poppy, and on this day when we publicly gave Adrienne to Jesus, I wanted to remember the day when we publicly gave Poppy to Jesus as well.

My heart is full; I am humbled by what God has done in my life. When I looked up, searching for God and desperately wanting answers so many months ago, I never could have seen what was in store. It is only when I turn around and look back the path we've already walked that I can see His faithfulness so clearly. I hope I remember that the next time darkness enters, but for now, I am enjoying the sunshine.

creativity deferred

Marianna has had a string of unpleasant bed time episodes over the past week--crying, moaning, asking for blanket, socks, water, bathroom time, different pajamas, another bedtime book, a princess gummy--nothing is exempt. Of course I've made it top priority to nip this in the bud and go back to normal! So yesterday I came up with a somewhat brilliant plan. What if we could make bedtime similar to Chuck E. Cheese? Wouldn't that put a brighter face on things? It certainly would for me.

Here is how I formulated the plan in my mind. There would be tokens that could be earned for good pre-bed behavior. One for going up to bed immediately without protest, one for going potty, and one for putting on pjs and pull up with out delay or complaint. This gave the possibility for three tokens to be earned.

Now comes the exciting part. These tokens can then be spent for the things she most desires after we have tucked her into bed. For example, if Ruffy the dog falls out of bed and she cannot get him herself, she can call up, "Mom, will you please get Ruffy?" and I in turn will reply, "Do you have a token to give me?" And I will go up, get paid one token, restore Ruffy to the bed, and then go back downstairs. If her blanket comes off her feet, again, the remaining tokens can be used. If she would rather save the token for something more important, she can fix the blanket herself. It was my hope that this new system would restore some fun to bedtime, while at the same time, eliminating the endless requests we've found ourselves submerged in throughout the bedtime hour.

Last night the time comes for me to lay out the plan. I cut three green tokens from construction paper and deliberately place them in front of her, laying the bait. She looks interested. We go through a mock round of bed time where all three tokens are successfully earned and spent. And then it was time for the real deal. I asked Marianna to give Nathan a kiss and go upstairs. The first token was officially up for grabs. She hesitated, telling me she needed 20 more minutes. I hand her the green token and say, if you want this, you need to go upstair right away. Marianna grabs it from my hand, and I momentarily think we've gained victory...all the way until she makes it over to the trash can where she promptly disposes of token number one.

She is taken to bed against her will, made to potty against her will, and then finally earns a token (all the while telling me she does not want it) for putting her pajamas on quickly and without complaint. I leave the token on her bedside table and tell her she can use it to call us up if she needs it. I kiss her and go downstairs to see if my creative bedtime ploy will work. She comes out of her room a few minutes later, something she knows is off limits, and Nathan immediately tells her to go back in. She starts crying, almost hysterically, telling us that she has to throw some trash away. Nathan tells her to drop it through the stair rail to him and he will throw it away from her. She runs to the stairs and releases.

Down fluttered the mangled green token.

When she had gone back in her room, Nathan and I laughed our heads off. So much for my plan for bedtime ingenuity =).

LIFE

What do you think about God? Do you think that he has absolutes? Things that are right or wrong whether or not anyone else believes it? Are there things that are true no matter the repercussions or inconvenience?

One of my earliest memories, I think from age 3, involves a little bouncy ball—probably the kind you get from a toy machine for a quarter. I was in a friend’s back yard one day when I discovered one of these balls, half covered with dirt and abandoned long ago by my playmate. For some reason I wanted that ball, and more than that, I wanted it secretly. So I took it without ever saying a word. Hardly any time had passed before that little ball began to eat me up. I couldn’t think about anything else but the stolen ball. I knew it was worth very little, I knew it would never be missed, and I knew my friend would have given it to me if I had asked, but despite all the justifications, taking it had been wrong, and I knew it.

The sad thing is, I think that often our moral compass is more on target when we’re toddlers than any other time in our lives. For a little kid, the fact that some things are right and some things are wrong isn’t a concept that all that hard to swallow. It’s only after we get a little wiser and grow a little older that the murky shades of gray begin to set in.

No issue personifies this better than that of abortion. It’s something a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about directly, resulting in the many euphemisms thrown around that make talking about it less abrasive—and consequently much easier to gloss over. Like a frog sitting in the proverbial pot, many years ago our country was boiled slowly with nonsense about tissue and the lifelessness of a fetus until Roe vs. Wade was able to come in and swallow us whole. Suddenly the smallest and most vulnerable lives in our country became defenseless against legislation that left the balance of a life in the hands of its mother.

Justification was cut thick and doled out freely until the nation’s conscience was dulled and many had swallowed the lie. Even after science has proved that life, not tissue, exists from conception, the ruling stands because the desensitizing is already complete. Not even a beating heart, a developing bran, the presence of organs, or anything else can get in the way of a culture set against the right of the unborn baby to life. The inconvenience to our culture cannot be sacrificed to a reawakened conscience.

Now it is all about choice. If you choose life, that's your choice. If another chooses abortion that's her choice. But what ever made us think that the choice of life was for anyone but God to decide?

Recently I was participating in a Walk for Life with the organization we adopted Adrienne through. We were in a local park, so other walkers were out , and one of these made a point of telling us that she believed in a woman's right to choose. It broke my heart, and filled me with a desire to show her Adrienne. I wanted her to look at this perfect, beautiful baby and think of what would have happened if her mom had decided to choose something other than life.

I hate what legalized abortion has done to this country. Who can measure the toll it has taken, not just on the lives aborted, but on those who have been left to deal with the consequences of a conscience that wasn’t completely seared? How has it undermined our families and the moral framework of our country? How many women are left broken instead of empowered because of the “freedom” given to them by our laws?

I am broken for the women facing that choice. I am broken for the lives lost. I am broken for those suffering the aftermath.

This brings me back to where I started. What do you think about God? Do you think that he has absolutes? Things that are right or wrong whether or not anyone else believes it? Are there things that are true no matter the repercussions or inconvenience?

Psalm 139 says
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know them full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

I want to put aside the cultural pressures, the deceptive arguments, and everything else that numbs what I know is right. I want to remember Poppy Joy, a life that not many would have deemed valuable, yet who changed my life and so many others. I want to remember Adrienne, a life who would not be here if her mother had not made the courageous decision to give her life. I want to remember that anyone who God creates is innately valuable, and no amount of legislation, logic, or social convenience can change that.

It’s election time, and I’m not a single issue voter, but I do prioritize the issues, and I don’t have any hesitation telling you that the issue of life is at the top of that list. The next president of our country might have an impact on abortion and the future of our country, and I certainly don’t want to miss out in voting, and then praying for the man who step into office come this January. I received a call from a pollster one night last week, and I was happy to be able to express that this was the biggest deal breaker for me in the election. It's something worth fighting for.

Just a little food for thought.

a few of my favorite things

Marianna will be three next month, which means several wonderful years of parenthood are already under my belt. Over that time I've kept my radar on the lookout for little tips, ideas, tricks of the trade, if you will, that I've seen or heard about that might work for our family. One thing is for sure: I wasn't inherently wired with all the creativity, know how, and genius it takes to be a great mom. But I quickly found out that no one is. Just as in the case of recipes, it's okay to borrow and trade parenting tips! In fact, my life would be a whole lot harder if I hadn't.

I'm dedicating this post to highlighting a few things that make my life as a parent a whole lot happier!

I'll start with my most recent discoveries involving the baby items that have WORKED big time for Adrienne.

First item on the list is this lovely swaddling blanket by swaddledesigns. My sister-in-law picked this up for me right before we brought Adrienne home, and she hasn't slept a night without it. Let me tell you, this thing has been a miracle worker. I wrap Adrienne up at bedtime, and she is almost instantaneously out. She sleeps cozy as a bug all night. I also discovered that it was the best cure for fussy moments. A good wrap in her blanket did more than any amount of rocking, strolling, patting, or any other soothing method I could think of! I recommend this for every new mom.




Another thing I got this time around was a baby sling. Mine is a hot sling, and while I don't use it on a daily basis, it's been extremely practical for some outings. Anytime when a stroller isn't necessary, the sling has been a great, comfortable way to carry Adrienne around, and now that she's old enough to sit up, she likes it even better.




This next one is for both girls. Someone several years ago told me about Dolly Parton's Imagination Library, which is a non-profit dedicated to increasing literacy. Basically, you can sign your children up, and at no cost, you receive one hardback book a month until the child is five years old. We have literally built Marianna's library in this way, and the books she gets from this are among her very favorites. I just signed Adrienne up, and theoretically, she will get a different set of books. It's really a neat idea, and it's one of Marianna's highlights to go out to the mailbox and pull out her new book.



I had heard amazing reports about a Leap Frog DVD called The Letter Factory, so when Marianna was 18 months old I got it. This DVD goes through the alphabet and teaches the sounds for each letter. Marianna loved it immediately, and by 20 months old, she could go through all 26 letter and their sounds. It's really an amazing teaching tool, and what this DVD did in an entertaining way in just 8 weeks would have taken me months.





Going along with this electronic theme, I have found our little portable DVD player that we got last year for $50.00 to be a life saver. Our car doesn't have a built in player, so this has been perfect for any long car trips! Also, I've found that if I know I'm going to be in a place where Marianna needs to stay quiet for awhile, whether I'm going to a meeting or something else that isn't kid friendly, we just pack this DVD player, and she is quietly entertained. So as it turns out, it's portability makes it better for us than a permanent one.




Something that is a very important part of each day is craft time. Marianna love to express herself with art, and so I've found some items that are excellent and come with less mess. First of all are the Crayola Twistables, crayons that don't have paper that will inevitably be torn or eaten off! They are a little pricier than the regular crayons, but worth every penny. I've also discovered that Marianna enjoys watercolors just as much as the messier versions of paint. Everything washes out, and she can stay busier for an hour easily. And they're cheap! It's hard to go wrong with Crayola, and I learned the tough way that permanent staining items don't mean more fun--just more mess.



Recently I've discovered the benefits of an old fashioned timer. Instead of telling Marianna that she must immediately stop doing something (whether it be color, dress up, do puzzles, or whatever) I have started setting a timer to tell her how much time she has left. This has been especially effective at bed time! She has time to gear up, and then when the timer goes on, she is a whole lot more ready than when I just lay it on her.





Something that I love doing is saving money on the expensive clothes I see in catalogs or clothes shows by sewing them myself. I've discovered that pants and dresses like these are super easy to make, and besides saving big bucks, sewing comes with the added benefit of a sense of achievement of being able to do it yourself! I still buy the basics, but as time allows, I try and make 5-10 outfits each season. Most of my patterns come from the Children's Corner, and I can promise you that everything I do requires a very low skill level! It doesn't have to be hard to be cute.


I have a friend who just recently recommended a book for Marianna called Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I was skeptical. But Marianna started showing interest in the beginnings of reading, so I thought it couldn't hurt to try. When I got it I was instantly puzzled by the lack of brightly colored graphics usually found in preschool books, but we pushed through a few pages anyway. It only took one lesson for me to be very interested in the approach, and now, already 8 lessons into it, I think it's really a great starting place for teaching her how to read. I expect some of it to get beyond her ability, but already she can sound out a few two and three letter words, so in my book, it's a winner.




Last, but certainly not least among the sanity savers in the list, is Oxi Clean. Up until last week, I wasn't sold on any particular spot cleaner--I indiscriminately sprayed all variety of cleaners on my stains and hoped they would come out in the end. Then my friend told me about Oxi Clean. Of course I knew the name, but I had never given it a try. I tested it on an item that spray and wash wasn't able to handle, and when Adrienne's outfit came out clean, I became a believer.




These are definitely some of my favorite things. I'd love to hear yours!

lately

This picture captures our sweetheart. She is happy and sweet and loves giving big smiles.




September 12 was my Papa's 77th birthday, and part of the celebration included getting out his old Model A Ford. The girls--especially Marianna-- loved it! I miss him so much, but celebrating his life is something I love to do.




Our little bit is already four months old! You can see that she's still tiny, but she's looking more like a big girl every day.




Our church had a community block party Sunday night, complete with pony rides for the kids. This was a breakthrough moment for Marianna, who up to this point has refused to ride a pony. As you can tell from her face, it was a hit.




Adrienne got in the fun with this little goat. She enjoyed most of the festival from her stroller, but we wanted her to have at least one photo op moment.





Marianna LOVED the slides...and believe it or not, this was the smaller of the two she went down. Overall, a very momentous day for our formerly timid two-year old!

Freedom

It’s been a little while since I’ve settled in to write, and not because of a lack of things to share, but rather a lack of time in which to sit down and write them! I need to give a good update soon, but suffice it to say the girls are great—keeping me entertained, busy, fulfilled, grounded, and exhausted =). Nathan is wonderful, and I continue to be grateful on a daily basis for his friendship, love, and partnership in the parenting venture! But the more detailed account of the day to days around our house will be for another day. Today I have something else I feel impressed to share.

A year ago as we were immersed in the unknown, waiting on Poppy to come, I wrote almost constantly about what was happening. The ups and downs, the things I learned, the emotions that battled it out, raging and subsiding in irregular patterns—all of it was there, post after post, acting as therapy for me as I walked the journey one day at a time. Then Poppy came, and for a little while, I detailed what it was like to walk that road of grief, tinged with joy at the thought that she was now with Jesus. But what I feel like I have not done much of is tell you how the grieving process drew to a close and eventually ended.

I don’t want to say anything on this subject before first acknowledging that grieving is an intensely personal experience, and I don’t think any two roads are ever exactly alike. What I experienced may bear similarities to what someone else went through, but when it comes down to it, only God truly knows and understand it all. For me, I did much of my grieving before Poppy was born. In the months after the diagnosis, I had to deal with that reality on a daily basis, grieving the loss of normalcy, and the loss of not being able to raise the daughter that I was carrying. Then, when Poppy came and went, a whole new wave of grieving washed over me. Burying a child is not something you can ever be ready for, and no amount of gearing up can get you to the place where you have the strength to step up and face it. No, I found that you’re only given what you need right at the moment it is needed. That’s just how God works, and having experienced the peace and strength that comes in moments that seem unthinkable, I have to say I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In the months following Poppy’s death, after the adrenaline and intense sorrow had passed, I realized I was walking in uncharted waters. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, but I felt God telling me to give it all to him—the good days, the sad ones, the anger and hurt, the joy and blessings, all the things I didn’t understand and all the things I had learned. I just took it all to Jesus, asking Him to walk beside me, hold me when I was hurting, comfort me when I didn’t understand, wrap His arms around me when I felt the loneliness, and ultimately, take my hand and lead me to the place He had for me. The road I walked was not a straight shot, but it was heading in a direction.

Healing.

Grief is not a place that you park. It is not a destination. I believe that with every season of grieving, Jesus desires us to reach a place of complete, total, life-renewing healing. I don’t have to go through life as one of the walking wounded! Instead, Jesus has given me the freedom to pursue healing, and eventually attain it. I can’t give you an exact day or time—it’s much to gradual for that—but what I can tell you is that now, nearly 10 months later, that the wound is closed, and I feel like the healing is complete.

I really love the concept of healing. I feel restored, yet there is always a mark to remind me that I’m not the same person I used to be. I don’t suffer from a gaping wound, but scar is not something I would replace even if I could. Poppy changed me, and grieving for her was something that I HAD to do. It wasn’t optional. But it was also something I had to release. To continue clinging to the grief would have crippled me in every area of my life, and it would have fallen short of the liberty, free from the bondage of grief, that God desires me to live in.

I wanted to share this because I know the lies Satan tries to spread. I know there can be guilt associated with letting go of the deep-rooted emotions that come with any tragedy. But I also know what God has done in my life. I have nothing to flaunt because nothing was done in my power. It is only the supernatural healing that Jesus brings that I can boast about. That healing has given me new life.

Galatians 5:5 “It was for freedom that Christ set us free.”

a big gift

Recently I was working on some Beth Moore homework for the Daniel Bible study, when I came to some questions I had a hard time answering—but not in the way you would expect. This particular lesson was focusing on the driving force that our culture can have on our sense of self-worth, and each question was designed to illuminate how a low opinion of yourself can cause you to steer off course without even realizing why. I completed the lesson and I was definitely impacted—just not in the way Mrs. Beth had probably intended!

The big eye-opener came as I considered these questions, flipping back through the card catalog of my memory to try to come up with concrete memories of feeling insignificant, unloved, or of little value. I scanned early-childhood to the present and, shockingly, came up empty handed. Until being pressed to write something down on paper, I hadn’t really considered it, but as I sat there in my chair, armed with my pen and ready to write a novel, I found I had no material to work with.

Wow.

How had I managed to get through my life with a firm, conscious, unshaken belief that I was instinsically worth something, that I was loved unconditionally, that while definitely not perfect, I was valuable? I say all of that at risk of being thought down right, stinking prideful, but I hope you see what I’m getting at. It’s not that I’ve gone through life thinking I’m God’s gift to mankind! Goodness sakes, God forbid I ever take the first step to even begin down that road. Rather, what I’m saying is that I have lived my life feeling secure in who I am, without being plagued by feelings of low value or worthlessness.

Of course the big question is, WHY?

Before thinking of it for even 5 seconds, I knew the answer. My family. Most notably my mom. I grew up in an environment where love was not doled out based on performance, talents, intellect, or anything else. I was simply loved for who I was, and that love and acceptance was infused into everything I did. My days were filled with affirmation, not only on what I could do, but on who I was as a person. Never did I feel my personality needed molding, my shape needed altering, or my abilities needed honing in order to gain love. Instead, I grew up believing it was okay to be me, just as I was, because my mom loved me, my family loved me, and most importantly, God loved me.

Examples popped into my head, one right after another, allowing me to see how intentionally my mom and others had fought to instill in me the sense of my God-given worth in the face of a culture that seeks to demean and belittle. I remember mom and others showing an interest in the things I enjoyed, praising me for any abilities I had, without criticizing those I was lacking. I remember her telling me, a chubby little second grader, that I was the perfect size. I remember her screaming wildly in the stands as I played basketball, cheering my heart and determination when there was very little skill worth mentioning. I remember her encouraging spouts of individualism as I overtook attempts to do my own hair and pick out my own clothes, believing all the while that I had accomplished both with raving success, with only old photographs left to belie that reality. Just a few memories in a pool with a myriad of others, yet I hope you see what I’m saying: I didn’t walk around thinking I was the hottest thing on the block. I simply believed that it was okay to be me because of all of the encouragement I received doing exactly that.

I don’t think I have ever recognized the value of that gift until now—the priceless value of self-worth, acceptance, and love. And the more I think about, the more I realize that’s probably one of the greatest gifts my mom and family ever gave to me. They gave me the freedom to accept myself and to feel secure and loved in who God created me to be. I never had a hard time questioning God’s unconditional love for me, flawed as I am, because my family had already lavished their unconditional love all over my life, faults and all. They taught me that we are all valuable, not because of what we do or how smart we are, but because we loved by God. It is HIS love that gives us value.

So what’s the point?

I walked away from that study, not only with a sense of deep gratitude and humility, but also filled with a passionate desire to do everything in my power to instill a sense of self-worth and value into my girls. I don’t want them growing up feeling that they only have value if they are pretty, talented, popular, intelligent—just fill in the blank because the list doesn’t end! I want them to grow up knowing that they are valuable because the God of the universe created them, and loves them, and wants them to be His. I want them to know that no matter what tv, music, movies, friends, or anyone else tells them, they have self-worth just as they are. I know that it’s not a one-man job, but I also know that my mom made an impact on my life too big to be put into words. All I’m saying is that I want to do everything I can to show them through words and actions that they are special. I want them to grow up believing that God has a purpose, bigger than anyone’s foresight or vision, to use them to make a difference for Him. It’s no small order, but then again, I don’t have a small God. I pray that with His help, He can show me how to be a mom to my girls, just as my mom was to me. What bigger purpose could God call me to than that?